An Open Letter to my Heart

Dear Heart,
What should I say to you? I identify as a rational being, aloof and a recluse. But you are a hopeless romantic, an illogical idiot and an attention seeker. When I run away from social situations, you wish to be the centre of them.
Oh Dear Heart. Since the day that you fluttered, when that little boy smiled at me and complemented my school bag, to 12 years later,  beaten and bruised, black and blue.
We have been through a lot, together. You have been responsible for a lot.You have made me take decisions that my rational self loathes. We have experiences, good and bad, unforgettable and really hard to forget.

But now Dear Heart, I have had enough. Enough with the fluttering and butterflies. The hnnng at fictional characters and cooking up ideal situations for my imagined lovers. Those hours spent reading fanfictions. I have a life you know, and a career I need to figure out. I have to graduate. You put yourself and me through too much trouble. You fall for the silliest guys. The ones that (you always knew deep down) can never be trusted. Yet you trust them, you convince me. You make me hear lovebirds and violins during boring government lectures. I am pretty sure you have smuggled real life butterflies into my tummy. The smell of that perfume, the resonance of another’s voice. One with the cute handwriting, or the one with the bad singing. One with his hair like a fluffy mushroom or one with the love of books and tea.

Oh Dear Heart of mine!!! Will you back off? Ever! They break you, they hurt you. They call you names. They abuse you, mistreat you. It always ends the same.

For once can you please listen to me? Let the rational mind steer the ship. Go on a vacation. Do some yoga, meditate relax. Figure out what you really want. It’s not necessary that we get our “Okay” or our “Always” (you surely know how badly it ended in both those cases. This time either you’ll die or I will. As long as you and I can be “okay always”  I shall be glad. Till then please let me focus on my immediate priorities.

Don’t go about reminding me of what I am missing, or what I could have had. The late night conversations, the blushing and shying.Innumerable cups of coffee. Movies. Cuddles. The opening up to someone new, feeling vulnerable yet secure. That warm feeling spreading from you to my entire body when they say my name with such love; or the sparks and chills down my spine from that first touch.How instead of this blanket I should have had my lover wrapped around me, and how instead of this banter I could have written him love letters.

Arrggghh ! Just stop now, will you?
Oh Dear Heart of mine,
You always fail,
Please understand this time,
Some Ships can never sail.

Oh these twenty years have been fun,
But please Dear Heart of mine,
No…Not another one!

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