Month: March 2015

A Thin Line

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I am the night
I want to embrace you
Till my luminisence reaches your aching bones.

I am the Storm
I want to devour you
Till you are reduced to nothing but aching bones.

I am the Rain
I want to cleanse you
Till I wash away all those pains.

I am the Fire
I want to burn you
Till nothing but all the pain remains.

I am the Sun
I want to nurture you
Till you blossom and you glow.

I am the Fear
I want to breed in you
Till you succumb and loose your glow.

I am the Light
I want to enlighten you
Till the world can see your self.

I am the Dark
I want to diminish you
Till even you can’t see yourself.

I am the Love
I want to kiss you
Till nothing of you is left. . .

I am the Hate
I want to destroy you
Till nothing of you is left. . .

Whatever I am
You have to be mine
After all
Its a thin line. . .

– Fictionatrix

Kryptonite

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I wear masks
Camouflage
Change my colours

I hide my true self
Make up excuses
Pretend to be
The way people wish to see

For days
and weeks
and months

I have sucked it up
Manned up
Taken everything in my stride

In the day time
I am a warior
A Chameleon

But the nights are my Kryptonite

So for days
and weeks
and months

I have tried to ignore
The dark blanket
That envelopes me

I keep all the lights switched on
Pretend it is day
Keeping the nights at bay

It may seem as Paranoia
But I welcome Insomnia
To carry me away

I want to go to sleep
I don’t go to sleep
Can’t go to sleep

For the night’s here to stay

But tonight
After many nights
I embraced it

Reluctantly

For I was tired
Could no longer fight
and pretend it was all okay

I let my demons roam free
I let the moonlight soak into my skin
and felt my week bones sinking

Slowly

I switched off the lights
My deepest nightmares
Came to life

Finally,
after days
and weeks
and months
I bared it all

To no one
but
Myself

And I surrendered
Lost all my might
For the night
Is my Kryptonite

– Fictionatrix

Warmth

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(This poem is dedicated to and inspired from, my wonderful best friend and the friendship we shared. He died of cancer last year. It was luck that I was suicidal and depressed, yet was blessed (or cursed) to live, while a lively, happy and passionate individual had to die. May his soul rest in peace. I wish I can be inspired to live and love as he did. And if you are reading this buddy, I remember!)

We became friends,
in the most unlikely circumstance,
you were suffering,
I prayed you get a second chance.

Although I was well,
inside I wished to die.
Although you were dying,
You told a convincing lie.

You gave me peace,
My lonely heart was in pain.
You gave me strength,
helped me stand up again.

Your friendship was instrumental,
your companionship dear,
eventhough you were dying,
you helped me overcome my fear.

Your presence in my life,
was like sunshine after heavy rains
for you gave me happiness,
you gave me warmth.

As I heard the news,
from the other side of the phone,
the sunshine dimmed,
which once had brightly shone.

The moment I saw
your lifeless body, so cold.
I wished I could give you all the warmth
That your heart had sold.

The warmth left me too.
My heart turned to stone.
It used to beat, it was alive,
In the days when the sunshine had shone.

– Fictionatrix

Heart v/s Mind

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the heart swooned after it saw you
the mind however didnt agree to

the mind wanted to ask
the heart didnt see beyond your mask

the heart beat just for you
the mind started seeing it too

the heart sang songs of joy
the mind was suspicious of the boy

the heart said ignorance is bliss
the mind dissolved after the kiss

the heart loved with every ounce of life
the mind didnt see the knife

the heart wanted just to be yours
the mind was captured in your claws

the heart was torn and broken
the mind left with memories as a token

the heart was covered in scars
the mind surrendered to your powers

the heart cried, wept in pain.
the mind didnt wish to see you again. 

the heart wounded, situation dire
the mind burning with a revengeful fire

the heart lost its innocence its charm
the mind wanted to cause so much harm

the heart became the motivation
the mind did the execution

the heart and mind were finally one
they both agreed the deed had to be done.

the heart was pleased, for the mind had served.
You finally received what you deserved.

– Fictionatrix

Do you remember ?

Do you remember ?
How we spent hours naming stars we couldn’t fit into constellations.

Do you remember  ?
The smell of that perfume.
You wore the night we had our first kiss.

Do you remember ?
The way our bodies
Fit just perfectly.
Like pieces from a jig-zaw puzzle.

Do you remember  ?
How I traced every line on your palm.
You were my map to explore.
My treasure to Discover.
My Destinty to destroy…me

Because I remember now
And I see it clearly.
How the stars disillusioned my vision.
That it was her perfume you wore.
That I never really had the treasure.
You were always a puzzle to me.

Do you remember ?
That the first time I said I loved you.
It took you 5 seconds I remember,
a quick flutter of your eyelids and a deep sigh,
to say that you loved me too.

– Fictionatrix

Lonely

I have always been proud of being able to enjoy my company. I was the Tiger, who needed no pack. Strolling through Jungles I had made for myself.

And as luck would have it, I often have to face situations alone. I don’t mind being alone, infact I quite enjoy it. I go for walks in gardens, stroll by ruined tombs, go sigthseeing. All by myself.

Often because I push away all people who try to come close to me. As soon as someone enters the periphery of my heart, I panic, my mind goes numb, and I end up doing the most embarassing things to keep the people at bay.

It all seemed fine, as the people within the periphery often seemed eager to leave. They would break the walls I had made, to enter. But when they would leave, I found it to difficult to mend them. Hence, my heart built so many walls that it became a wall in itself. No periphery, solid stone.

However, in the past few days, my heart has started to sink. The weight of the stone is too much I guess. And after years I’d say, but I genuinely feel Lonely. My company no longer seems to satisfy. My voice seems to annoy me, but its the only voice I get to hear.

I have created such circumstances for myself that I cannot lean on a shoulder even if thats all I wish I could do.

College is about to end, pending assignments, entrances, I think it is the anxiety of the impending doom. Coupled with an ongoing existential crises of not having turned into ‘somebody’ worthy by graduation. Al my so called friends are  busy, filled with enthusiaism. They are ready to face their future and take all opportunities life throws at them. While I feel tired to the bone. My mind runs faster than before and I cannot keep pace with it.

I wish someone could see through the stone. On one hand I want people to let me be. But I don’t like being lonely. I wish I could derive some strength from somewhere. ”The grass will be greener from the other side” I hear myself say. ”You will never reach that other side though” I hear myself also say.

This is not the time for a full blown nervous break down. But if tears could give me some solace. I’d welcome their company.

– Fictionatrix