I have always been proud of being able to enjoy my company. I was the Tiger, who needed no pack. Strolling through Jungles I had made for myself.
And as luck would have it, I often have to face situations alone. I don’t mind being alone, infact I quite enjoy it. I go for walks in gardens, stroll by ruined tombs, go sigthseeing. All by myself.
Often because I push away all people who try to come close to me. As soon as someone enters the periphery of my heart, I panic, my mind goes numb, and I end up doing the most embarassing things to keep the people at bay.
It all seemed fine, as the people within the periphery often seemed eager to leave. They would break the walls I had made, to enter. But when they would leave, I found it to difficult to mend them. Hence, my heart built so many walls that it became a wall in itself. No periphery, solid stone.
However, in the past few days, my heart has started to sink. The weight of the stone is too much I guess. And after years I’d say, but I genuinely feel Lonely. My company no longer seems to satisfy. My voice seems to annoy me, but its the only voice I get to hear.
I have created such circumstances for myself that I cannot lean on a shoulder even if thats all I wish I could do.
College is about to end, pending assignments, entrances, I think it is the anxiety of the impending doom. Coupled with an ongoing existential crises of not having turned into ‘somebody’ worthy by graduation. Al my so called friends are busy, filled with enthusiaism. They are ready to face their future and take all opportunities life throws at them. While I feel tired to the bone. My mind runs faster than before and I cannot keep pace with it.
I wish someone could see through the stone. On one hand I want people to let me be. But I don’t like being lonely. I wish I could derive some strength from somewhere. ”The grass will be greener from the other side” I hear myself say. ”You will never reach that other side though” I hear myself also say.
This is not the time for a full blown nervous break down. But if tears could give me some solace. I’d welcome their company.