I have always been proud of being able to enjoy my company. I was the Tiger, who needed no pack. Strolling through Jungles I had made for myself.

And as luck would have it, I often have to face situations alone. I don’t mind being alone, infact I quite enjoy it. I go for walks in gardens, stroll by ruined tombs, go sigthseeing. All by myself.

Often because I push away all people who try to come close to me. As soon as someone enters the periphery of my heart, I panic, my mind goes numb, and I end up doing the most embarassing things to keep the people at bay.

It all seemed fine, as the people within the periphery often seemed eager to leave. They would break the walls I had made, to enter. But when they would leave, I found it to difficult to mend them. Hence, my heart built so many walls that it became a wall in itself. No periphery, solid stone.

However, in the past few days, my heart has started to sink. The weight of the stone is too much I guess. And after years I’d say, but I genuinely feel Lonely. My company no longer seems to satisfy. My voice seems to annoy me, but its the only voice I get to hear.

I have created such circumstances for myself that I cannot lean on a shoulder even if thats all I wish I could do.

College is about to end, pending assignments, entrances, I think it is the anxiety of the impending doom. Coupled with an ongoing existential crises of not having turned into ‘somebody’ worthy by graduation. Al my so called friends are  busy, filled with enthusiaism. They are ready to face their future and take all opportunities life throws at them. While I feel tired to the bone. My mind runs faster than before and I cannot keep pace with it.

I wish someone could see through the stone. On one hand I want people to let me be. But I don’t like being lonely. I wish I could derive some strength from somewhere. ”The grass will be greener from the other side” I hear myself say. ”You will never reach that other side though” I hear myself also say.

This is not the time for a full blown nervous break down. But if tears could give me some solace. I’d welcome their company.

– Fictionatrix


20 thoughts on “Lonely

  1. This is probably a phase only. Everyone feels lonely.
    You seemed to have mastered a skill that I could never do, like your own company.
    And just an advice, sometimes its good to open walls. Blogging taught me that.
    Good luck πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou for your advice. I guess I too scared to open up, I do try, but it doesn’t end well, often, so I chicken out. I hope it is a phase that ends soon! I shall try following your advice. As for the skill, it is one skill I am not proud of, but it helps! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I disagree with respect. Many of us have tasted this dish regularly, and it is always on the menu, sometimes it is harder to resist.
        I could go days on my own, even though I have two small children, I can operate fully, which you seem to be doing very well by the way.
        I looked for those shoulders for many years , sadly all in the wrong places and sometimes in really poor places. I now am that shoulder that can cope with weight. It has taken me years to get here, its not easy but you will find this too in life.
        This is not a phase, although it is primarily made up of them, a bit hypocritical I know , with respect to itsmayurremember above.. You are not alone like this, we are many. It cannot define us though, that’s a crucial point in all this.
        You WILL find answers where, and when, you least expect to, thats a fact. A person who writes as well as you do, is needed by so many who read your material. You will have friends, confidantes, lovers, family etc., who you will talk to when you are ready.
        You are not ready yet, thats ok. You are not alone, you will meet many on your journey, you will get to know some, others you may walk past , yet to return to them at a later stage.
        I look forward to walking with you on this page.
        PS: Thanks for looking in at my page today……GerC

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I totally agree with you there. I am not looking for a shoulder as such, I have had in a short span, both good and bad experiences, and they have made me realize that I am more at ease when I am by myself. However these days I just feel a bit lost. Recently, too many incidents have happened, I lost my dearest friend to Cancer, and it seems as if my mind has suddenly become more aware of the emptiness than it was before. The vacuum in my life is partially self inflicted, and because often people do not understand, or don’t want to. And it never bothered me, I was at peace and indifferent. But the sudden awareness has made me doubt a few of the choices that I have made. Nonetheless, I am sure the fog will clear soon, I just need to be more patient with myself. I am not ready, I know, and writing down my thoughts here helps me in facing myself and facing the world. I am glad you think high of my meager abilities of articulating myself. I am glad to have met you on this journey. I love the concept of your blog, and the service that it provides to people. The pleasure was mine! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. To be honest, and I know it sounds like bitter advice indeed, but standing up on your own without having leaned on anyone’s shoulder would be the greatest thing you could do for yourself. It ain’t easy though, not by a long shot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know it isn’t easy, and I do not actually wish to lean on someone for support. I pride myself in being an independent, self sufficient person. However, it is just that sometimes I wish there was a shoulder to lean on, maybe for a little respite. Not that I desperately need one per se, but these days often the loneliness has begun to pinch. I have stood my ground by myself so far in life, so I guess I would be able to do so in the future as well. In fact deriving support from others makes me feel vulnerable and hence I do avoid it. But a part of me wishes it were a choice and not an obligation thanks to the situation I seem to have put myself in. In retrospect, too many things are happening at once which is why I feel a bit lost, I will find my way soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “You can’t force a flower to bloom. It does so at its own pace under the right conditions.” You will learn to open up when you need to. Till then hold on and keep moving forward you will soon realize it was just a phase. πŸ™‚ good luck for your future.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I find solace in myself . But I have two great friends who I could turn to. Ya I had gone through this phase of not being to put my fingers on who will actually hold my back when I need.them, but it took time and now I am sure I made the right choice. I wish you will find ur best ones soon. Love ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. John Mulaney has a small part in his ‘The Top Part’ show with a joke that went sort of like this: “Life can get kind of lonely. Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone and I’ll say ‘I’m feeling lonely’, and they’re like ‘let’s hang out!’ and I’m like ‘no, that’s not what I meant.’ ” Loneliness is a strange beast to contend with.

    I hope you learn how to deal with it. Personally, I’m still figuring it out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I relate to what the joke meant. Loneliness exists even when we are surrounded by people. It is strange no doubt. I am learning to deal with it. More like learning to live with it. Maybe one day we will have our answers.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I love being alone. I love working things out on my own. I know how you feel.

    That said, as much as we might hate to admit it, we’re social beings, and that includes us, the introverted and/or independent.

    I get the sense that while you’ve been able to thrive on your own, the other part of your self, the part that seeks connection with other humans, is now poking at you. It’s less and less politely asking you to feed it human interaction; you might call this loneliness, but you can also look at it as a call to action.

    To need support through the relationship (platonic or otherwise) is not a vice or a weakness; it’s simply something built into us.

    I know you’ve protected your heart from the pain of the interaction with others, but there’s another side to the relationship with others, and I guess we call that love.

    Reminds me of a story by Ram Dass: ‘A guru was walking along the road, and he came across a man sitting cross-legged, crying. The guru asked the man why he was crying, to which the man replied, ‘I feel like my heart is breaking over and over and over again.’ The guru smiled, ‘Me too.’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly. Aristotle had famously said that man is a social animal.
      I am stuck in the dilemma where I want to socialise but I also avoid social situations. The internet has solved the confusion to a certain extent as it lets me socialise without physically being a part of social situations.
      I am inept at social relations, hence despite the want of having one, I feel incapable of handling it. Baby steps.
      Thankyou for sharing your insight, and also for that beautiful story!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s an interesting paradox, isn’t it – to be created with an innate need to be social, but lacking the interest (and skills, sometimes) to be in social situations?

        I bet at times it must feel like playing catch with three fingers – you can do it, but eventually you end up wanting do something else, especially when it seems like everyone else brought their baseball gloves.

        Baby steps!

        Liked by 1 person

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