Late night thoughts – Who am I?

(This post is not a thought about structured post. This is just me, rambling, vomiting my thoughts out, trying to make sleepless nights bearable.)

Sometimes I wonder what my readers think I am like.
What do people I know in reality think I am like? What am I really like?
In the 20 years of my life, I have spent the last 11 years lying about what I feel.

“How are you?” They would ask. “Terrific, outstanding, amazing, never been better”. I’d say all the things, I remotely didn’t feel.

The people who know me in real life would never be able to imagine the extent of my sorrows. So what, everyone gets bullied. So what, almost all women get abused. So what?

My feelings of despair were always tossed around by the people whom I was latching onto for support. Untill I realised that it was of no use.

Thanks to my years of practice, I have made it difficult for people to see through me.
I guess the better a person’s disguise – the deeper is his grief.

Although there is always a part of me that yearns to be seen, to be called. To be recogonised and perhaps looked after. But the possibility of being seen makes me vulnerable. And Vulnerability brings back memories. Memories of the kind that I have spent years pushing away. And so all my gates, and doors and windows are closed.

The darkness needn’t define us. They say. But doesn’t it define what we have been through and therefore defines what we end up as.

I wish I could look at myself from another’s perspective, and marvel at my pretense.

So who am I then? Just a mere reflection of what I was? Or a creation of my imagination. In trying to hide the depth of my feeling have I ended up as a facade? A mask of my true self. A bandage covering my wounds. So that nothing of substance shows at the surface. Does my surface define me then?

– Fictionatrix

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24 thoughts on “Late night thoughts – Who am I?

    1. Thankyou. It is reassuring to know that I am not crazy, and that other people too, feel the same way. Lately my level of anxiety and curiosity has increased, related to my self, my identity and my future. Lets see where life takes us! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  1. A lot of us struggle with identity. People fly across the world trying to find themselves. I think there’s some bravery in putting out to the world that you’re still figuring yourself out.

    Good luck. It seems like we’re in a similar place so feel free to contact me anytime you need someone to talk to.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thankyou. I really appretiate it. I have been asking myself such questions for a while now. I guess its the anonymity of the internet that has enabled me to put this out. No one from my real life knows about my blog, and thus I feel a sense of comfort in admitting to my flaws here. This is my method and mode of finding myself amidst the chaos that is often self inflicted/created. The more I connect with people, the more it feels like I somehow belong here. I like to think that we all are at different chapters of the same book or at the same chapter from different books. Thanks for your kind words! It is always reassuring to know that someone out there cares! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. U are a wonderful person!! Don’t ever let anything get u down. We are born only once, and it should be lived to the fullest!! Believe in karma. πŸ™‚ Remember u are best version of yourself. Don’t ever take anything seriously!! Just have fun!! U are doing great πŸ™‚

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    1. Thankyou for your bubbling Optimism. It feels reassuring to know that someone out there thinks highly of me, even though I do not always hold the same point of view. I am trying to evolve and learn. After all Life is about the journey and not the destination. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think highly of u….I’m sure so do other people here and outside!! The past can’t define anybody….its only u that defines u. U can never think less of yourself bcoz u are special and amazing in your own way. Be the happiest and conquer the world. Don’t let past experiences matter. Because u are better and far more beautiful that that. Say cheese πŸ˜€

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      2. Haha. Thanks a tonn sweety. I wish my perceptions of myself were as colourful. I am on a path of progress though. One day I may learn to like myself for what I am. Thankyou for your kind words, they mean the world to me! :’)

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I need to channel my experiences effectively so that I can proceed in the right direction. Our experiences define us and distinguish us and unique individuals, they also unite us with similar souls. I need to understand my experiences in a different light perhaps. Thankyou for your kind words. πŸ™‚

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  3. Thank you for sharing your strength. It takes courage to expose your feelings and thinkings: it takes vulnerability.
    I think people continue changing their whole lives. It’s okay if you don’t know who you are. One thing needn’t define us; neither darkness nor pretence. I agree that our past is a part of one’s identity, but it doesn’t totally control the future. In the present moment we can make choices affecting our path.
    Abuse should never be normalised nor dismissed. Surround yourself with caring people …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your optimism has been the highlight of my day today. Thankyou.
      It is a trecherous path, the path of self discovery. I am just a beginner here, I hope to find my roots somewhere. In order to attach myself to some values I wi have to let go of certain other perceptions that I have held onto for years. Including the way I perceive myself. The present moment is infinite and limitless, but my burdens constrict the possibilities. I shall try to follow your advice, and I hope to progress in the right direction. Surrounding myself with caring people is something I need to work on. Thankyou for your kind words. Take care! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. =) I’m glad to have brightened your day.
        It seems that you have a considerable degree of self awareness, which is needed for genuine self discovery, and then, self acceptance. And you have courage (which can grow), shown by your ability to be vulnerable on this blog. Know that you have the tools to get there … where ever that is.
        I don’t like giving advice, rather, I hope that you can resonate with something in my story. My journey of self discovery is continuing. 7 years ago I thought I was one thing (my career was my identity), then I had different life experiences that revealed more of authentic me. I got hit with another depressive episode. I made mistakes; my progress went in the “wrong” direction. But I learnt from these mistakes, and they revealed more of what is good in me.
        If it helps, your online community will probably be here to support your journey. People that you can hug, or, look in the eyes, speaking your truth, are irreplaceable, but we’re here.
        I heard that “depression is living in the past and anxiety is living in the future”. I try to be present with mindfulness, but retreating all day in bed is easier. I think as long as I keep going, it’ll be okay.
        *big hugs*

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The self awareness has come thanks to the internet. I have been depressed for more than half of my life, and it has shaped my personality and world view. So much so that it was normal for me. It was only after the exposure I got that I realised that what I was going through wasn’t ‘normal’. But since it is ingrained in me, people around me see my melancholy as a personality trait and not as an illness.
        One of the reasons I joined this blog was to connect with and learn from people and their experiences. It has been difficult for me to find such people in real life. Thanks to the stigma attached with mental illnesses people do not open up. I felt like a soliatry warrior, fighting myself. Thankyou for sharing your story with me. :’) I don’t know where I am headed yet, but I try to make the deliberate effort of keep going. I celebrate little victories like getting up for and making it to class in time. I understand that real humans are irreplaceable however I seldom find company. Hence this wonderful online community will have to suffice. Loved the quotation! I hope you keep going on, and reach where you are headed. And maybe I will too. Thankyou for your kind words.
        *Big bear hugs in return*

        Liked by 1 person

  4. We are our masks, as well as the artists who create those masks and the actors who wear those masks. I don’t know what your experiences have been, so I won’t say how you should process them. Opening up to people, that’s always a risky thing. I’ve seen every response but the one I had hoped for. It’s nice though, that people here are able to provide the support you need. Keep posting, I like reading your post. πŸ™‚
    Regards,
    H

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Loved the way you put it. I did get a great response to the post, and somewhere it makes me feel that I belong here. Even I don’t know how to categorise and understand my experiences, but I am learning to cope with them. Yes I shall keep posting, it helps me comprehend things and make sense of the world. Thankyou, I am glad you think so, I look forward to your responses! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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