Every night of my existence seems like a batlle. Even after the stipulated hours of sleep, I wake up exhausted. Often panting. I run from myself.
But as the daylight appears, its time to face myself. Again.
This monotonous cycle should seem routine now. But every struggle is different. And takes in more of my energies.
I am sitting in my classroom, blasting music in my ears, to drown out the sounds of my peers. They always seem filled with excitement, the latest movies, songs, clothes or crushes.
Sometimes, I wonder how come I ended up to be so different from the people I call my own.
They see me as the silent psychopath. And I dont mind afterall their mental picture limits my human contact with them.
The only solace that I have found in this monotonous existence is in coffee.
I had heard and read of drowning one’s sorrows with Alcohol. And in my desperation I confess I did indeed try to drown my sorrows. However, instead of drowning my sorrows, I was the one drowning. Alcohol seems to further my thoughts than to dull them. It reduces my conscious mind, and my arch enemy- the subconscious takes over.
But coffee is different. I like my coffee, like I see myself. Bitter and Dark. The only thing I look forward to in a day is that mug of coffee.
I take my coffee hot, boiling even. The warm liquid slithers down my throat, I can feel its passage through my oesophagus. Its warmth somehow recharges the cold edifice I have for a body. It seems to me as though my heart begins pumping blood only after I have my morning coffee.
I am not an addict, and this is not my confession. Rather I am a lover, and this is my love song. Coffee has helped me, given me companionship, been with me through sorrows and joys. It helps me control my anxieties and prohibits me from being impulsively stupid.
And perhaps I need to Thank coffee. For it has indeed saved me. Be it from deadlines, to exam anxiety. Or from sleep hangovers right before important lectures. It has also saved me,often from the consequences of killing my entire class when they ask the silliest of questions and thereby prolong lectures.
So thankyou honey! I promise to be all that you want me to be. To be yours to the best of my abilities.
Moreover, I love coffee in all her forms. Be it the expensive, commercialised Starbucks version, the fatafat street Filter coffee, the homely brew or the hostel wali electric kettle version. (This is what I live on these days) Coffee is my salvation. My cup of paradise.
My coffee love is pretty obvious now. Although I am not a very loyal lover Sometimes I tend to slip up and enjoy a cup of Tea as well. ( I own a great collection of exotic Teas too! Ssshhh.. don’t let her know! 😉 )
Sometimes, I wonder if I would like to share this experience with someone. Maybe some day. Untill then, its me, my chaos and my coffee.
Hence, the name of this blog. It is difficult for me to express myself. After 10 years of suppressing the horrors and grief, letting it all out is not easy. But expression is a part of recovery.
Therefore, I envision a cup of coffee next to me when I write. It need not exist literally next to me, but its metaphorical presence gives a sense of peace and quiet. Which I lack the most in life. Hence, I write “Whilst sipping coffee.”
(I raise my virtual cup of coffee in salutation towards you dear reader,the fact that I focus on you whilst being in the company of coffee displays my appretiation and gratitude)
(Do you have a favourite beverage? Do you have strong feelings of love for it? 😉 How do you take your coffee? and What inspired the name of your blog? Let me know! )