Lack Thereof

I have always felt that I was over burdened with emotion.
I would cry at sentimental songs, and craftly made advertisements.
But today I felt the Lack Thereof.
And it hurt as much.

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Today, was my college farewell.
Three years of graduation, went away too soon.

When I was a fresher, I would hear my seniors sob, and relate tales of their antics. Their joys and sorrows. As a new initiate I wondered if I would ever have such friendships, such bonds and such memories.

Today, I am at the same threshold. And my lack thereof is pinching me a bit.
I wish my emotional responses were in sync with situation and society.
While my classmates hug each other, laugh,cry, relate their own stories, and make promises to stay in touch, I am sat here pretending to be ever busy, scrolling mindlessly through posts. My lack thereof of memories.

The Lack Thereof can be attributed to my childhood. For 12 years of school education, I have changed 10 schools! The nature of my dad’s profession required as many transfers.

I have always been therefore, labelled as the New ‘fat’ boring kid. It was hard trying to make space for myself in the already established social order of the classroom. The bullying continued and so did the burrowing. Recesses were spent in libraries, hiding from my bullies.  I grew distant to worlds and closer to words.

In every classroom I did find myself a little friend. Initial hellos were apprehensive, and the last goodbyes were tough. But the repetition of the process and the internalisation of the “Uprooting” again and again perhaps turned me a-social.

Little me felt that it was better to not make any friends than to leave beloved friends behind. I made walls around me long before I knew what the metaphor meant.

The problem, and the reason for this post is not the lack thereof emotion but the lack thereof of control.
I am an emotional person. I like to use my ability to empathise with and help the people I meet in this journey. Instead of fighting the black dog, I have petted it. But I tend to have no control over it. My responses are sporadic, inconsistent and sometimes pretty random.

All my life I tried to fit in. Be it literally due to size or mentally due to aptitude. I guess the lack thereof of a suitable response made me stand out yet again. And all I wanted was to perhaps fit in.
Its a strange battle, the one we fight with ourselves, there is no victory, there is no loss. I hope all I can do is learn from such instances, and learn to focus on the haves than the lacks.
Baby steps! 

– Fictionatrix

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11 thoughts on “Lack Thereof

  1. You know what? I attended the same school all my school life,and I didn’t cry.Not even a single tear.I am kinda emotional.Have you watched “Taare zameen par”?I cry everytime I watch that movie. Every single freaking time.I cried when Sirius died,when Dumbledore died,when Snape died,and I read HP when I was in 11th standard,for God’s sake!But, I didn’t cry at my school farewell.And,I had loads of friends,I was the topper of my stream,and teachers, in general loved me.(I am not trying to be boastful here,but just trying to state the facts.)
    All in all,I was kinda a well known kid, too.So,I think,I had it good.I still didn’t cry.Now why is that? After 15 years of regularly going to that same place, did I not form any attachments?None? :/
    I narrated this story of my (school) life,to tell you the simple fact that,I still don’t have an answer, after almost a year,and I don’t think I ever would.So it’s no good in trying here.It’s a closed avenue.~_~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Life has its ways of doing things.I don’t have an answer for you, but I guess we nerds are meant to value and relate to the fictional worlds more than the real one.
      I only cried at dumblrdore’s death, but I was 13 then :p
      I am not looking for any answers, once I write down what I feel, it clears my mind. Pent up thoughts do no good.
      I know there are closed avenues, I wish that my words are the key! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Agreed,wholeheartedly. 😀
        I dunno why,but I feel a connection to almost every character when I read the books.It’s like this defect.They all feel like I know them personally. Their happiness brings a smile to my face,and their pain makes my cry. 🙂
        And it’s awesome that you have a way to clear your head.Many people don’t. :/

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Rowling has written the series with a lot of love and personal attention to details. Hence it becomes almost natural to relate to the characters. Especially Harry as adults often forget but childhood and growing up tends to be a lonely process.
        I am trying, it is not a full proof way, but it’ll do! 🙂

        Like

  2. Congratulations on graduating! My school experience was the exact opposite, KG to 10th in the same school, with the same friends and I thought that I would miss it all so terribly when I moved to college. But, though I do miss it now and then, It’s quite bearable.
    I hope you keep focusing on the positives, though it’s a tough ask. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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