I have always felt that I was over burdened with emotion.
I would cry at sentimental songs, and craftly made advertisements.
But today I felt the Lack Thereof.
And it hurt as much.
Today, was my college farewell.
Three years of graduation, went away too soon.
When I was a fresher, I would hear my seniors sob, and relate tales of their antics. Their joys and sorrows. As a new initiate I wondered if I would ever have such friendships, such bonds and such memories.
Today, I am at the same threshold. And my lack thereof is pinching me a bit.
I wish my emotional responses were in sync with situation and society.
While my classmates hug each other, laugh,cry, relate their own stories, and make promises to stay in touch, I am sat here pretending to be ever busy, scrolling mindlessly through posts. My lack thereof of memories.
The Lack Thereof can be attributed to my childhood. For 12 years of school education, I have changed 10 schools! The nature of my dad’s profession required as many transfers.
I have always been therefore, labelled as the New ‘fat’ boring kid. It was hard trying to make space for myself in the already established social order of the classroom. The bullying continued and so did the burrowing. Recesses were spent in libraries, hiding from my bullies. I grew distant to worlds and closer to words.
In every classroom I did find myself a little friend. Initial hellos were apprehensive, and the last goodbyes were tough. But the repetition of the process and the internalisation of the “Uprooting” again and again perhaps turned me a-social.
Little me felt that it was better to not make any friends than to leave beloved friends behind. I made walls around me long before I knew what the metaphor meant.
The problem, and the reason for this post is not the lack thereof emotion but the lack thereof of control.
I am an emotional person. I like to use my ability to empathise with and help the people I meet in this journey. Instead of fighting the black dog, I have petted it. But I tend to have no control over it. My responses are sporadic, inconsistent and sometimes pretty random.
All my life I tried to fit in. Be it literally due to size or mentally due to aptitude. I guess the lack thereof of a suitable response made me stand out yet again. And all I wanted was to perhaps fit in.
Its a strange battle, the one we fight with ourselves, there is no victory, there is no loss. I hope all I can do is learn from such instances, and learn to focus on the haves than the lacks.