Month: May 2015

Chasing Headlights -Little secrets #1

(This blog was aimed as a means for me to make sense of myself, my life and the world around me. The following is part of a series where I aim to share little secrets about myself.)

I have mentioned before how people see me as the typical nerdy neighbourhood cat lady (without the cats and the glasses).

I think I have weird habbits-which may be the reason behind their image of me. For example I like chasing head lights.

In the evenings, twlight, dusk, night, as soon as the cars need to switch on their little luminiscent eyes.

image

I would be sat in a coffee shop, or at the corner of the street, and watch. Just watch. How the headlights follow one another to their destinations. I sit their and wonder. Make stories in my mind. Where the car came from and where it will go. How are the people in the car? What do they do? What do they feel?

I often even think of cars as living. How the headlights become the eyes. So the Audi has mysterious cat eyes, and the Scorpio has big stern eyes. Each car takes on a new personality if you think of them this way.

I sit and make tales. Just little harmless tales.
I am an escapist. I need an addiction. Something to keep me hooked. My mind can never be idle.
It needs a constant play thing to fiddle with. My mind never seems to stop.
I guess I like chasing headlights because my mind runs at the speed of light!

One would think that I have a lot of free time to meander away. Thats not the case. But my curiosity is a quenchless thirst. I guess its because that I feel too much, that I need a continous stream of stimuli.

I cannot quite analyse the reasons for this. But it looks so beautiful, the head lights after headlights. On a dimly lit highway, at high speeds, it seems as if little light pixies are chasing one another.

image

Maybe my fascination for them comes from the need of guidance. Headlights facilitate the car, help it navigate in the darkness and reach where it is supposed to be. If I had a pair of headlights, even I may be able to navigate my way through the darkness which seems to surround me.

I don’t know the reasons for my affections. But it is just something I do.
Chasing headlights lets me find newer worlds. 7 billion people 7 billion worlds. The possibilities are endless. How many have you visited?

Is there something peculiar that you do? That no one knows.

– Fictionatrix

Chasing Wanderlust

Wanderlust is the feeling, the unsettling urge, to travel to far off lands, to experience newer things, getting away from the rutt of life.

I personally advocate travelling to everyone. Yet this heightned focus on wanderlust irks me a little. The society we live in has become systematic-atomistic individuals engaged in mechanistic activities. As Karl Marx had famously claimed- Capitalism has Alienated Man.

We are all busy, and rightly so, in making a living. Day in and Day out, like guinea pigs in a laboratory, we keep running, running, running, no where.

image
Sunset from my window!

Hence the urge to run away.
We have forgotten to see the wonder in things- hence the unsetlling urge to get somewhere else.
Our cities are like cobwebs of concrete and smoke. Yet inbetween those threads of despair, you will find little wonders, if only you keep your eyes open.

For example,
a few days back, an old farmer from Rajasthan was my co-passenger in the city bus
(DTC for the people who know)
As a matter of habbit
(which I am trying to inculcate)
I asked him about his life.
He said he was around his late 20’s when India got independent, but he doesn’t know his age. (Somewhere around 80-85)
In the process of knowing more,
I happend to ask him how he managed by himself.
He smiled and pointed across the aisle where his wife sat
and said –Maari beendini hi maari laathi hai”
(Translation-My wife is my walking stick)
Then he looked at her with such an expression of revere. And she quietly blushed and looked away.
This couple has been married for 60 years!

image
They were a shy couple, and were a little scared of posing for a picture. The husband lovingly suggested that I take a picture of his wife, as she still looks as lovely as she did on her wedding day.

We are so used to running, that we seldom stop. Running without time, running without oxygen, running without company, running for ourselves, without ourselves, from ourselves.

I say Stop!
Breathe, look around a little.
We clog our ears with earphones and listen to tunes to drown away the noise of the city. But isn’t that noise of the city a part of what peoples dreams are made of? As more and more of us strive to reach the city with its twinkling lights and wonders to make a life, those who have made one, or are in the process, are aching to run away.

I want everyone to be blessed with experience the joy of travelling far and wide. But I also don’t believe in putting off happiness to a destination. I have heard it so a thousand times over- I will be happy as soon as I leave this place. Why?

As cliche’d as it sounds; One can be happy wherever they are. As happiness is a state of mind. Chasing happiness is a race we can never win.

As much as we chase wanderlust- Look  closely around you-There is wonder everywhere. When was the last time you stayed up and watched the Sunrise, chatted up an old friend, or made a new one? When was the last time you helped a stranger, or took a bike ride on the highways.Immersed yourself in the petrichor, felt the soothing late evening summer breeze, smelled that addictive aroma of Diesel/Gasoline, Ate from a roadside stall, enjoyed the music that is formed from the incessant honking, or followed a group of marching ants?

image
A band out on an adventure!

I know city life is tough, and often in finding a life, in carving a niche we tend to forget ourselves. But you don’t need to run far and wide, and chase mirages trying to find yourself. All you have to do is look within!

P.S.- Look a little closely around you and you will find humour in everyday things.
For example- How yesterday I happened to come across Lord Shiva enjoying the city summer afternoons.

image
I was in the bus!

I hope you get to experience little wonders in everyday life.

(All pictures are orginal, from a Micromax Canvas A1)

(I am trying to capture little miracles in my photography, things that often people tend to miss.
Incase you have recently experienced  something wonderful in the rutt of life, do share your experience. I would love to hear about it)

– Fictionatrix

LIEBSTER AWARD!

premios-liebester

Hi there, I haven’t posted anything for a while.
I have been nominated twice for this award,a big Thankyou to the lovely people who think I am worthy enough. Sorry to the first person who nominated me, I lost the first nomination somewhere.

This one also has been pending for a month, but examinations plague me also I am very lazy.
Tonight however I am writing this post as a respite out of foreign policy notes
that I need to cram for tomorrows exam! (unintentional rhyme!)

I was nominated by the wonderful TheOreoQueen
Do check her blog! ❤

The Rules-
Basically, anyone with under 200 followers can be nominated. You thank the blog that nominated you, and put a link in your post, then answer their ten questions. You then nominate 10 blogs, and give them ten new questions. And remember to put these rules in your post.
( I literally copy pasted the rules from Oreo Queen; as I said-Lazy)

So here we go!

1. Why did you start your blog?
I started my blog like an online diary to post what I felt. My mental chaos needed an outlet. I used to write a diary as a child, but lately as life has become tougher, the act of physically writing my feelings down was nerve wracking. Typing however comes a little more easily to me.

2.Who inspires you?
The most inspiring person in my life happens to be my Grandmother. She has worked very hard all her life, despite all odds, with a lot of ups and downs in life. She is realistic, passionate, determined hardworking and kind. If I can turn into half of the woman she is, I would be proud of myself.

3.What book are you reading right now?
Currently- Feast of Crows by George R. R. Martin

4.What is your favorite movie?
I can’t say. I am a very moody person, so my favourites keep changing. However, some movies which are all time favourites include- The Sound of Music, It’s a Beautiful life, The Gods must be crazy, Hiroshima mon amour, Black Swan,Les Triplettes de Belleville, When Harry met Sally,Le fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain, You’ve got mail, The Artist, King’s speech, 12 years a slave, ( I could go on)

5.If you could rule the world just for one day, what would you change?
I wish I could change the way people perceive one another- some kind of invention/mutation which would enable people to empathise and connect with others, more profoundly and without the stereotypes which bind us.
Also, no exams.

6.What’s your worst nightmare?
I am a perfectionist by nature and take a lot of pride in my work, so my worst nightmare is failing in my own eyes at doing something I invested a lot of time and effort in.
Also, getting my fragile little heart broken-yet again.

7.If you were someone for a day, who would you be?

I would like to become Van Gogh, and make him realise that the world is still worth living for, and that his art does matter, and that the grief may seem long lasting but there are little bouts of happiness too! (He died on my birthday,after committing suicide, after a tedious battle with depression, so I have a special connection with him)

8.If you lived in a book, which one would it be?
It has to be Harry Potter for the Magic
Narnia for the adventure
Sherlock for the suspense
Enid Blyton for the Pink Lemonaid of my childhood
(I could go on and on)

9.What’s your favorite TV show?
As mentioned before, I do not have an all time favourite.
But I really enjoy BBC-Sherlock, Downton Abbey, The Office, YES Prime Minister, Friends, Goodwife, Breaking Bad, Doctor Who, Fireflies, X-files, Bones, House and even Master Chef (the food omnommnommm)

10.If you were in a different era, which one would it be?
I would like to be born during Akbar’s reign in India, it has coloured my imagination for years.

Liebester-blog-award

My questions for you are-
Q1. Have you ever had an epiphany? If yes, what was it about?
Q2. If you could become a celebrity for a day, who would you be and why?
Q3. Do you believe in love at first sight? (I always wanted to ask this to random strangers)
Q4. Why did you start blogging?
Q5. What is the inspiration behind your blog name?
Q6. Describe yourself in 5 words.
Q7. The world is going to end and you can save only one thing as you escape from the apocalypse- what would you save?
Q8. Which book, movie, tv series or song is your current favourite?
Q9. What is the one advice you would like to give to a large group of people?
Q10.What would be the last line of your autobiography?

DO check them out, they are amazing! The aim of this award is to find newer blogs and get them seen!
Spread the love!

mymanicandiarejustfine

queershaktism

purrfessorbarney

alluringparadox

assortmentbox

aditikharb

thehiddenshadesofgrey

(I was supposed to tag 10 blogs however I got tired by this point.)
If you my dear reader would want to answer these questions as well; answer them in the comments below, or as a blog post-I would like to know more about my readers! 😀

(Ghosh this took more time than I had anticipated, back to life and reality and exams :P)

à bientôt!

Versatile Blogger Award!

wpid-versatile-blogger-award

I was nominated by the amazing Danica from My Dirty Diaries for the Versatile Blogger Award!
Whoop Whoop!

I had started this blog, just as an outlet for my inner thoughts. I never expected the kind of love and response that I have received from my readers.
I have made some great friends, had meaningful deep conversations and had so much fun.

Each and everyone who has shown interest in reading my work is precious to me.
Thank you.
Your encouragement keeps me going, helps me not feel so lonely and bereft, and also helps me improve my writing. I hope I can grow and learn in the process. 🙂

Here is a list of blogs which I think are awesome.
Do check them out!

Sugarbumprincess

theaudaciousfrontdoor

Nocturnalreflections

Indulgelitterae

thebroodingnarcissist

cravingwords

hbhatnagar

WanderingViolet

Keep Writing! 🙂

Things I wish I had said.

This post has been lying around as a draft for more than a month now.
This is a collection of snippets.
I had them written as memos in my phone, some are from my diary when I was little, back of notebooks, scraps of paper here and there. Hidden away.
These are little things-
Things I wish I had said, things I wish I could make people understand but couldn’t.
Because there are barriers of time, depression,ego, space, language,undertstanding, disease and death.
As a part of self-recovery, I am letting this out in the world, so that I can get past the fact that it was all bottled up. There is a lot more. But baby steps.

As usual there is a slight trigger warning, as all of this is very personal.
So if you are moved easily,
I suggest you avoid reading further.
Take care.

image

“You take my silence to mean so many things, but my words fail me everytime.”(September 2013)

“The pain in my head is more than the pain in my hand. If I double the pain in my hand will this go away?” (June 2005)

“I wish I had met you sooner”

“My favourite dish tastes like hot,dry sand.”(February 2014)

” If the doctors asks too many questions what will I say. Will he call my parents.”
(December 2012)

“Ma it wasn’t an accident.” (July 2004)

“The monsters are not under my bed Mumma.They are in my head…Please do something” (May 2004)

“It is 4 a:m I am outside, it is freezing cold, I am numb yet I am shivering. I need to speak to you. But I cannot burden you with my troubles.” (December 2013)

“Can anybody hear me. Dear God these girls make me cry all the time. Please help.
I don’t like this new school. My head hurts. I will be a good girl, I will do all my homework even maths. Please make them go away. The teacher doesn’t listen to me. They beat me up again. I want to run away but I am too fat to run, Can I just hide here till recess ends.” (April 2005)

“Mom it is not your fault. The child you brought to this world is broken. But you are not responsible. There is nothing you could have done. I just want to lie down in your lap.
Ma will you kiss away the pain like you always did before?” (March 2011)

image

“I love you”
(September 2010)

“It wasn’t my fault, it was ‘it’.
It was the mind, not me.
I know I sound crazy as it is my mind but it wasn’t me.
I wish you understood.
I didn’t mean what I said. Sorry.”
(September 2014)

“No I don’t hate you.
I wish we were friends.
Good friends.
But you are so beautiful that I fear my presence will taint the aura around you.”
(August 2009)

“No you don’t understand. I am not crazy! No I am not addicted no I don’t take medicine. I am just very sad all the time. Please don’t tell anyone.”(January 2011)

“When I see you smile I imagine what happiness feels like.
For I have long forgotten that feeling. And I promise, I will never let anything snatch that happiness away from you. You are my angel, my blessing from God.
Your childhood is my treasure to guard.” (November 2014)

“I know they told you I am weird.
But I can be fun to talk to.We could be friends you know.
I know we like the same books.
Will you speak to me first.
I am scared of people.” (October 2007)

“I miss you, I loved you.
I didn’t want you to die.”(June 2006)

” You have got reduced to memories, tales and photographs.
I wish I had learnt about your experiences.
Wish I could have saved souvenirs from the 10 years I got to spend with you. Its been 10 years since you left us, and I am trying so hard to latch onto bits and pieces of memories.
Trying to reconstruct what it was like to have you.
I remember a sweet voice, the smell of your perfume, your wrinkly hands, the clinking of your bangles.
I don’t remember if all this was real or I am making things up.
But it seems comforting.”(April 2015)

“You broke my heart, shattered it.
But I forgive you. Atleast I was worthy enough to have had the fortune to have my heart broken.” (May 2011)

“Its been 3 days, 17 hours, 23 minutes since we last spoke.
I know I said I don’t need you anymore. But I said so in a frenzy and now I wish I hadn’t.
But I don’t wish to appear needy and hypocritical so I will wait for you to call.” (November 2012)

“When you hold my hand in that little furry paw of yours, when you nuzzle in closer with your wet little nose and I can feel your heartbeat, the world seems a nicer place for a while.” (November 2014)

image
My little bundle of joy! ❤ Him to bits

“The day you went for your first Chemo session, my heart beat the seconds needle a million times.
The day you went for your 5th Chemo session, my heart stirred impatiently, like a raging ocean.
The day your body gave up, and you transcended into another realm
my heart went with you.”
(18th August 2014)

“I wish I can fulfill all those dreams and expectations you have from me.
When I see you come home, tired yet smiling, I know that smile is for me.I know all that you do is for us, for me and I cannot thankyou enough.
I know you do so for it is your responsibility and your love, but I don’t feel worthy enough of your love.”
(17th May 2015)

“I know you love me Ma. And I have faith in you.
I have seen miracles in life and I know you are behind them all.
Your power is immense.
Sometimes I just wonder why I have to go through all of this.I know you have some plans for me and that someday this would all make sense.
But Ma I am exhausted.
Give me strength Ma, for my faith shakes, so do my limbs.
I know you are there for me. and I am sorry to have doubts. Its just that  I seem to forget at times.”

“I waited for you for a long long long time. So long that I don’t remember what life was before this waiting.
They say the grass is greener on the other side.
I am waiting for you Happiness. I am hopefull.Deep down I think I remember what you felt like. But I am thirsty and I am tired. Don’t make me wait anymore, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” (March  2015)

(If my dear reader, you have read till the very end. Thankyou for bearing with me. Are there some things you wish you could convey?)

– Fictionatrix