This post has been lying around as a draft for more than a month now.
This is a collection of snippets.
I had them written as memos in my phone, some are from my diary when I was little, back of notebooks, scraps of paper here and there. Hidden away.
These are little things-
Things I wish I had said, things I wish I could make people understand but couldn’t.
Because there are barriers of time, depression,ego, space, language,undertstanding, disease and death.
As a part of self-recovery, I am letting this out in the world, so that I can get past the fact that it was all bottled up. There is a lot more. But baby steps.
As usual there is a slight trigger warning, as all of this is very personal.
So if you are moved easily,
I suggest you avoid reading further.
“You take my silence to mean so many things, but my words fail me everytime.”(September 2013)
“The pain in my head is more than the pain in my hand. If I double the pain in my hand will this go away?” (June 2005)
“I wish I had met you sooner”
“My favourite dish tastes like hot,dry sand.”(February 2014)
” If the doctors asks too many questions what will I say. Will he call my parents.”
“Ma it wasn’t an accident.” (July 2004)
“The monsters are not under my bed Mumma.They are in my head…Please do something” (May 2004)
“It is 4 a:m I am outside, it is freezing cold, I am numb yet I am shivering. I need to speak to you. But I cannot burden you with my troubles.” (December 2013)
“Can anybody hear me. Dear God these girls make me cry all the time. Please help.
I don’t like this new school. My head hurts. I will be a good girl, I will do all my homework even maths. Please make them go away. The teacher doesn’t listen to me. They beat me up again. I want to run away but I am too fat to run, Can I just hide here till recess ends.” (April 2005)
“Mom it is not your fault. The child you brought to this world is broken. But you are not responsible. There is nothing you could have done. I just want to lie down in your lap.
Ma will you kiss away the pain like you always did before?” (March 2011)
“I love you”
“It wasn’t my fault, it was ‘it’.
It was the mind, not me.
I know I sound crazy as it is my mind but it wasn’t me.
I wish you understood.
I didn’t mean what I said. Sorry.”
“No I don’t hate you.
I wish we were friends.
But you are so beautiful that I fear my presence will taint the aura around you.”
“No you don’t understand. I am not crazy! No I am not addicted no I don’t take medicine. I am just very sad all the time. Please don’t tell anyone.”(January 2011)
“When I see you smile I imagine what happiness feels like.
For I have long forgotten that feeling. And I promise, I will never let anything snatch that happiness away from you. You are my angel, my blessing from God.
Your childhood is my treasure to guard.” (November 2014)
“I know they told you I am weird.
But I can be fun to talk to.We could be friends you know.
I know we like the same books.
Will you speak to me first.
I am scared of people.” (October 2007)
“I miss you, I loved you.
I didn’t want you to die.”(June 2006)
” You have got reduced to memories, tales and photographs.
I wish I had learnt about your experiences.
Wish I could have saved souvenirs from the 10 years I got to spend with you. Its been 10 years since you left us, and I am trying so hard to latch onto bits and pieces of memories.
Trying to reconstruct what it was like to have you.
I remember a sweet voice, the smell of your perfume, your wrinkly hands, the clinking of your bangles.
I don’t remember if all this was real or I am making things up.
But it seems comforting.”(April 2015)
“You broke my heart, shattered it.
But I forgive you. Atleast I was worthy enough to have had the fortune to have my heart broken.” (May 2011)
“Its been 3 days, 17 hours, 23 minutes since we last spoke.
I know I said I don’t need you anymore. But I said so in a frenzy and now I wish I hadn’t.
But I don’t wish to appear needy and hypocritical so I will wait for you to call.” (November 2012)
“When you hold my hand in that little furry paw of yours, when you nuzzle in closer with your wet little nose and I can feel your heartbeat, the world seems a nicer place for a while.” (November 2014)
“The day you went for your first Chemo session, my heart beat the seconds needle a million times.
The day you went for your 5th Chemo session, my heart stirred impatiently, like a raging ocean.
The day your body gave up, and you transcended into another realm
my heart went with you.”
(18th August 2014)
“I wish I can fulfill all those dreams and expectations you have from me.
When I see you come home, tired yet smiling, I know that smile is for me.I know all that you do is for us, for me and I cannot thankyou enough.
I know you do so for it is your responsibility and your love, but I don’t feel worthy enough of your love.”
(17th May 2015)
“I know you love me Ma. And I have faith in you.
I have seen miracles in life and I know you are behind them all.
Your power is immense.
Sometimes I just wonder why I have to go through all of this.I know you have some plans for me and that someday this would all make sense.
But Ma I am exhausted.
Give me strength Ma, for my faith shakes, so do my limbs.
I know you are there for me. and I am sorry to have doubts. Its just that I seem to forget at times.”
“I waited for you for a long long long time. So long that I don’t remember what life was before this waiting.
They say the grass is greener on the other side.
I am waiting for you Happiness. I am hopefull.Deep down I think I remember what you felt like. But I am thirsty and I am tired. Don’t make me wait anymore, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” (March 2015)
(If my dear reader, you have read till the very end. Thankyou for bearing with me. Are there some things you wish you could convey?)