Month: June 2015

Leap of Faith

Often in life, we are faced with situations when reasons dont suffice.When one has to take unprecedented risks, but lacks the courage to do so. This is a little piece inspired by this line of thought.

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It will all make sense eventually.
Just learn to give life some time.

The pieces will form a picture worth cherishing.
You will get to sing your rhyme!

Don’t try to make sense of things yet.
Each piece is to be cherished, in its own.

The joy is in letting the puzzle decipher itself.
Only then the picture will show, how much you have grown.

We tend to spend our hours, our days.
In finding reason, in plans, we do not control.

Just go, take a leap of faith!
There is someone out there, looking out for your soul.

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– Fictionatrix

101 Conversation

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This happens to be my 101st post.
Hence the totally non cliche’d choice of using it in the title itself! 😛
I decided to write about something which has been bothering me for months, hoping to have a heart to heart,
a 101 conversation with you,
my dear reader,
and eventually perhaps
my mother.

Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed to have a mother like her.
She is the best I could have ever asked for. She has time and again, sacrificed her dreams, for our upkeep. My biggest achievement in life would be the day I can truly make her proud of the person I am.

My mother and I are thick as thieves. Not many 20year olds would be fortunate to say so. But for the past few months ( It has been more than a year really) I have been keeping a big secret from her. My depression.

I have been depressed for almost more than half of my life. It has been so ingrained in my system, such an intrinsic part of my childhood, that my own parents never seemed to notice it, nor did I. However, since I have known about it, I wish to share it with them, like everything else in my life. But I am unable to.
Both my paternal grandparents had depression, my grandfather had acute phases of it. So doctors seem to conclude it is genetic. Also because I was merely a 9 year old during my first suicide attempt, that it fits the diagnosis.

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Parents bring their children into this world with such pains and efforts.
No parent wishes to think that their child is broken.
The genetic differential should lessen the pain.
A factory default would still default despite the kind of environment it is put in.
My mother and my father love me immensely. I am scared that they would take it personally, think it was their fault I turned out this way, and try to fix me as soon as possible. I don’t want them to do so.

I just need their support and understanding.
The other issue is that my family has a milieu of doctors, and I detest the prospect of becoming a guinea pig to their experiments.

I tried telling her, thrice. But she started getting hyper and thus I recoiled.l, changed the subject, and moved on. I am amazed at my skills of avoiding a subject and their’s in not noticing a detour.
This time I spent, 5 days just with her in the hills. And everytime I felt the burden of this secret like an invisible iron curtain hanging in between us.
I could feel the weight of it throughout, choking me with every breath.
But I couldnt muster the courage to bring it up.

I am thinking perhaps, I will tell Papa first. He can make her understand. He isn’t emotional, not as much as her. It was his dad who suffered from depression, I am hoping he would be able to re connect the dots somehow.
But they both are busy, and have so much on their plates, both professionally and personally that the thought of overburdening them is killing me. The anxiety of my entrance exam results is a further deterrent.(My performance in the exams is also related to this, and I don’t wish to disappoint them)

A part of me is dying to tell them. Another says that perhaps I should wait a little while longer.
Itni der hui hai, thodi aur hi sahi.
I don’t know what to do. The dilemma is cumbersome.

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Till then, I have been sharing spoken word poems, memes, jokes, quoatations, on the theme of Depression.
Hoping they would pick up on the little bread crumbs I am leaving.
So that I don’t have to do the deed, and they understand without a word.
Just like when I was a little child.

Explaining my depression to my Mother

What do you suggest?
To tell or not to tell?

– Fictionatrix

Cannot Stop Missing You

This happens to be my 100th post on this blog.


Never had I thought that I would have something to say, be able to say it, and express it in a way to receive responses from strangers all over the world.



My dear readers have given me this hope I needed, that my words are not in vain and that perhaps my creativity isn’t dead yet.

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This is my grandma's ring, which I wear to remind myself of her love and blessings. ❤

Every child shares a very special bond with their grandmother. It is said that the reason could be that they have a common enemy- The mother!

I shared one too, (not because of common enemity) she was the only one who loved me so unconditionally that I can still feel the warmth of her love.

9 years ago, she came to visit us. My dad was posted to the beautiful valley of Kullu in the himalayas so it was like a holiday everyday. She stayed with us for 10 days and fell in love with the place.

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The beautiful Kullu Valley, Pristine and transcedental as it has always been ❤

And then one fine day, she passed away. No warnings, no signs. Nothing that could have prepared us for it. She made tea for everyone in the morning, was busy packing for we were supposed to visit Manali again on her insistence, and within 40 minutes a person, a life of 68 years, A wife, a mother, a sister a grandmother, a friend, a confidant 6 decades of experience, simply crumbled into nothingness.

This was 9 years ago today.
As much as I try I cannot overcome the fact that she is no longer with us. I have an almost Eidetic memory. From the age of 1.5 years I have visuals etched in my mind about almost all unusual, special events. And the memories are way more detailed as I grew up. To my mind her death seems like an HD film with Dolby surround sound. Deliberately being played in slow motion. Exaggerating every movement, every sound, every last heart beat.

Memories give joy, but they also hurt. I feel blessed in comparison to my little brother who hardly remembers her. What is more painfull I wonder- Knowing someone and having to live with their pinching absence, but having memories and thus the pain. Or knowing that someone existed who loved us, but having no recollection, no memories and thus in not knowing a different kind of pain.
As a granddaughter I am blessed to have had those precious 11 years with her. As a sister I am glad that my little brother doesn’t have to feel the pain that I do.
But as a child I feel cheated of my happy childhood.

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You can see the love literally! 😛

I dragged my family all the way to Kullu this year, to visit the house she died in. I had imagined in my mind that it would bring me solace, give me some closure. Instead I was shiverring and couldn’t bear going near that room. Needless to say I didn’t get the closure I had hoped for. Perhaps I never would. But it still felt nice to visit one of the places I used to call home. (I have had about 12 of those)

I have however started reaching a place where the absence doesn’t pinch. Wherever she is, I know she would bless me and be a part of all my life’s milestones. School, College, Graduation, I have felt her prayers and her love. Maybe one day I will reach somewhere where it doesn’t hurt as much. I know her love will guide me there. ❤

I don’t where you are,
I don’t know what to do
As much as I try,
I cannot stop missing you…

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Special thanks to my readers for their love, support and understanding. This is all because of you. ❤

– Fictionatrix

Photography 101 Day # 6& 7

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So the themes for these two days was Connect and Big.

I believe I took the perfect picture to symbolise them both.
I have travelled around the country for the past 20 years, but the Mountains of Kullu have always pulled me closer.
If only all my mornings were like these. ❤

– Fictionatrix

Photography 101 Day #5 Solitude

I have always been a loner.
Earlier by circumstance, later by choice. I tend to do a lot of social activities by myself watching movies, going for walks, or dinners etc.

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Palash Blossom

Being able to enjoy one’s own company is a gift I believe. It also makes me more observant of the world around me, and appreciative of details.
One such summer evening walk yesterday, brought me to this scene.
I like to think that this little flower was enjoying solitude as much as I was.

– Fictionatrix

Photography 101 Day #4 Bliss

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Bottoms Up!

Bliss is happiness. It is relief, joy a sense of contentment.
These days while all students have gone back home, I am literally stuck here due to upcoming entrance exams.
The hostel corridoors are empty and loneliness makes me nostalgic for home.
The Summer heat further accentuates my distress. Studies and Summer are not the perfect combination. My brain seems to be on fire.
(No kidding it is 45 degrees here!)

Needless to say, I try to beat the heat. Having a soda/soft drink on a warm day seems like Bliss!
I think it also makes for a great subject to photograph!

– Fictionatrix