Cannot Stop Missing You

This happens to be my 100th post on this blog.


Never had I thought that I would have something to say, be able to say it, and express it in a way to receive responses from strangers all over the world.



My dear readers have given me this hope I needed, that my words are not in vain and that perhaps my creativity isn’t dead yet.

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This is my grandma's ring, which I wear to remind myself of her love and blessings. ❤

Every child shares a very special bond with their grandmother. It is said that the reason could be that they have a common enemy- The mother!

I shared one too, (not because of common enemity) she was the only one who loved me so unconditionally that I can still feel the warmth of her love.

9 years ago, she came to visit us. My dad was posted to the beautiful valley of Kullu in the himalayas so it was like a holiday everyday. She stayed with us for 10 days and fell in love with the place.

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The beautiful Kullu Valley, Pristine and transcedental as it has always been ❤

And then one fine day, she passed away. No warnings, no signs. Nothing that could have prepared us for it. She made tea for everyone in the morning, was busy packing for we were supposed to visit Manali again on her insistence, and within 40 minutes a person, a life of 68 years, A wife, a mother, a sister a grandmother, a friend, a confidant 6 decades of experience, simply crumbled into nothingness.

This was 9 years ago today.
As much as I try I cannot overcome the fact that she is no longer with us. I have an almost Eidetic memory. From the age of 1.5 years I have visuals etched in my mind about almost all unusual, special events. And the memories are way more detailed as I grew up. To my mind her death seems like an HD film with Dolby surround sound. Deliberately being played in slow motion. Exaggerating every movement, every sound, every last heart beat.

Memories give joy, but they also hurt. I feel blessed in comparison to my little brother who hardly remembers her. What is more painfull I wonder- Knowing someone and having to live with their pinching absence, but having memories and thus the pain. Or knowing that someone existed who loved us, but having no recollection, no memories and thus in not knowing a different kind of pain.
As a granddaughter I am blessed to have had those precious 11 years with her. As a sister I am glad that my little brother doesn’t have to feel the pain that I do.
But as a child I feel cheated of my happy childhood.

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You can see the love literally! 😛

I dragged my family all the way to Kullu this year, to visit the house she died in. I had imagined in my mind that it would bring me solace, give me some closure. Instead I was shiverring and couldn’t bear going near that room. Needless to say I didn’t get the closure I had hoped for. Perhaps I never would. But it still felt nice to visit one of the places I used to call home. (I have had about 12 of those)

I have however started reaching a place where the absence doesn’t pinch. Wherever she is, I know she would bless me and be a part of all my life’s milestones. School, College, Graduation, I have felt her prayers and her love. Maybe one day I will reach somewhere where it doesn’t hurt as much. I know her love will guide me there. ❤

I don’t where you are,
I don’t know what to do
As much as I try,
I cannot stop missing you…

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Special thanks to my readers for their love, support and understanding. This is all because of you. ❤

– Fictionatrix

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17 thoughts on “Cannot Stop Missing You

  1. Now u made me cry. 😦 I miss my grandmother who died 2 and half years ago. It seems like it happened just yesterday. She too loved me unconditionally. I remained by her bed in her last days. Caring for her. One day she sort of thanked me for the care I was giving to her. I reminded her of the care she gave me when I was a Lil kid. I reminded her the love we shared. And after all that time when she died, I wasn’t there with her. And this haunts me till now. I miss her. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sorry, my aim wasn’t to make you cry. Love is such that we can all relate to its loss. Grandma’s and their grand daughters are the best friends, thick as thieves. I am sorry for your loss, I hope you are able to grieve and to grow and be able to go past the pinching stage. It will hurt but love has to hurt, thats what makes it precious. Take care. :’)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It is touching… And I can totally relate as I was very close to my grandma… She was the best and the sweetest person I have ever had the privilege of having in my life . I miss her so much much that I cannot express… Her death was totally unexpected and …. Well I just go on and on when I talk about her so I will just stop. This is a wonderful tribute to your grandma,Fictionatrix!
    -S

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful post. I’m sure your grandma would love it! I also had an amazing grandma who brought a lot of joy to my life. She died 10 years ago, but her death was long and drawn out. I’m sure it was hard for you and your family to have her die so suddenly (and so young!) but at least it sounds like she didn’t have suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is the only solace we have as a family that we didnt have to see her suffer, especially since my little brother was very young. I am sorry for your loss. I am sure our grandmas are both proud of us. Take Care. :’)

      Like

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