101 Conversation

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This happens to be my 101st post.
Hence the totally non cliche’d choice of using it in the title itself! 😛
I decided to write about something which has been bothering me for months, hoping to have a heart to heart,
a 101 conversation with you,
my dear reader,
and eventually perhaps
my mother.

Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed to have a mother like her.
She is the best I could have ever asked for. She has time and again, sacrificed her dreams, for our upkeep. My biggest achievement in life would be the day I can truly make her proud of the person I am.

My mother and I are thick as thieves. Not many 20year olds would be fortunate to say so. But for the past few months ( It has been more than a year really) I have been keeping a big secret from her. My depression.

I have been depressed for almost more than half of my life. It has been so ingrained in my system, such an intrinsic part of my childhood, that my own parents never seemed to notice it, nor did I. However, since I have known about it, I wish to share it with them, like everything else in my life. But I am unable to.
Both my paternal grandparents had depression, my grandfather had acute phases of it. So doctors seem to conclude it is genetic. Also because I was merely a 9 year old during my first suicide attempt, that it fits the diagnosis.

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Parents bring their children into this world with such pains and efforts.
No parent wishes to think that their child is broken.
The genetic differential should lessen the pain.
A factory default would still default despite the kind of environment it is put in.
My mother and my father love me immensely. I am scared that they would take it personally, think it was their fault I turned out this way, and try to fix me as soon as possible. I don’t want them to do so.

I just need their support and understanding.
The other issue is that my family has a milieu of doctors, and I detest the prospect of becoming a guinea pig to their experiments.

I tried telling her, thrice. But she started getting hyper and thus I recoiled.l, changed the subject, and moved on. I am amazed at my skills of avoiding a subject and their’s in not noticing a detour.
This time I spent, 5 days just with her in the hills. And everytime I felt the burden of this secret like an invisible iron curtain hanging in between us.
I could feel the weight of it throughout, choking me with every breath.
But I couldnt muster the courage to bring it up.

I am thinking perhaps, I will tell Papa first. He can make her understand. He isn’t emotional, not as much as her. It was his dad who suffered from depression, I am hoping he would be able to re connect the dots somehow.
But they both are busy, and have so much on their plates, both professionally and personally that the thought of overburdening them is killing me. The anxiety of my entrance exam results is a further deterrent.(My performance in the exams is also related to this, and I don’t wish to disappoint them)

A part of me is dying to tell them. Another says that perhaps I should wait a little while longer.
Itni der hui hai, thodi aur hi sahi.
I don’t know what to do. The dilemma is cumbersome.

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Till then, I have been sharing spoken word poems, memes, jokes, quoatations, on the theme of Depression.
Hoping they would pick up on the little bread crumbs I am leaving.
So that I don’t have to do the deed, and they understand without a word.
Just like when I was a little child.

Explaining my depression to my Mother

What do you suggest?
To tell or not to tell?

– Fictionatrix

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16 thoughts on “101 Conversation

  1. Much as we’d like that tough choice of telling or not taken from us, it is in the end ours to make. No one here could know your mother like you do. No one here can predict how she would react.
    However it it’s personal experience you want to listen to, to be able to make up your mind, here’s mine. I’ve been rebuffed, jeered at, ignored, belittled and shamed beyond anything I could have imagined by every “family member” I opened up to, including my parents. I concluded that they wanted to continue living in their bubble and I was too spiky and thorny to have around. So I don’ talk about it anymore. Not to anyone. That’s not to say that you’d have the same problems, but just something to think over. Peace.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I agree with you. It is this fear which has been stopping me all this while. I am as it is a bit too different from everyone else. I fear that the social stigma associated with this would further alienate me. Hence I have been keeping mum about it. Then there are also the kind of people who would say I am doing it for the attention.
      Its just that sometimes, I wish they did know. Like now, I know my exams went horrible, But I cannot tell them why. So they are in their bubble of expectations and the truth would burst it. I like to think that if they knew, they’d be less expectant and less pressurising. I don’t know. Lets see what happens.

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  2. I would suggest to tell, of course that doesn’t make it any easier to actually do. I do think the after effect of telling them will actually be easier than you think, that’s usually the case when overthinker or worrying about doing something. Once you feel ready and actually do tell then it will be such a huge relief! I believe in you, you can do it! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you should tell them! Of course, it’s your choice. But just think about my words. You think too much. Of course, i would do the same thing:DDD But it’s not good. Don’t think, just tell them. Because you don’t know how they are going to react. You can’t predict the future, can you?? Maybe they will become more caring and supportive and telling them will strengthen your bond. If it won’t happen this way, you will tell them about your feelings. You could tell them what do you expect from them. I think they will understand then. Just talk and try! They love you, you know that:) I belieeeve in you! If you decide to tell them, tell us about how it happened:) i would be interested to know:) and if you decide not to tell them i will respect your choice. But again, know this, you won’t know unless you’ll try:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Even I think that telling them would be the right thing to do. Lets see how things turn out. Thankyou for your encouragement, and for believing in me. 😀
      *Fingers crossed.

      Like

  4. Hey girl! As a health care provider I wanted to tell you thank you for being so open about your depression! So many people do not have the courage, and it takes a lot as I know first hand. We need more people like you it there spreading the word and taking the stigma of mental illness out of our society! As far as telling your mom, if your thinking about it a lot, let them know! Also know your never alone and stronger than you think! 🙂
    -rach

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I am planning on letting them know as I do need their support in this, it is becoming harder by the day to keep it a secret. Hopefully things will turn out well. 😀

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  5. I completely understand the dilemma.
    I am from a conservative Indian family and have been suffering from clinical depression since 5 years.
    I finally started getting proper help around 6 months ago and it has made a lot of difference.
    I decided to tell my parents because I was looking for their support. Unfortunately it didn’t work out too well for me.
    If there is one thing I can tell you it is that everything will get better. Slowly but surely. Getting professional help really changes things.
    I too have written posts about depression.
    Give them a read if you like.
    All the best! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You and I should be friends!
      I am from India as well.
      I have had depression for the past 11 years, I always knew. I always felt different. I have tried telling my parents, but I always tend to run away when the somewhat right seeming moment appears.
      My family is not that conservative but I have such an ingrained need to please everyone that I am unable to tell my parents. That plus the fact that they don’t have the slightest inclination.
      Inshahallah one day I will have the courage to do so.
      Thank you for opening up to me. Take care. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a very scary experience to even attempt talking to your family. Fear over their acceptance and also fear over things finally becoming a bit too real.
        Wanting to please everyone while being miserable yourself is a depressed persons defining characteristics :/
        But it might help seeing it like this. Your parents would be pleased that you finally opened up to them. 🙂
        I hope things work out for you.
        All the best! ✌

        Liked by 1 person

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