Birthdays and Reality Checks

So it happens to be my 21st birthday today.
Yayy existential crises!

When we are younger. we have the hunger to grow older. To have the unprecedented power to take decisions. Now that I am older, I crave to be a child again.

Birthdays for me have always been epiphanous moments in the fabric of my life. I remember I cried, howled rather on my 10th birthday for I had turned into the “Double digits” of age.
My first in the many existential crises to follow.

It is believed that every human life has a purpose. Every soul is born for a reason, with a destiny pre determined that the course of time makes it fulfill. I have like many of us tried to realise, discover, find and eventually hopefully fulfill my life’s purpose as well.

Birthdays, are days of celebration. To celeberate life. One more year gone. Survived through. People my age throw grand parties, go clubbing with their friends, “Party Hard” as is said in more than 50% of the wishes I received on my facebook wall today.
I was never a people’s person as such. I have always tried to stay as close and as far as possible and practical.

And yet, I have gone out of my way to do things for people. I do not display any qualities of my sunsign “Leo” other than my fierce Loyalty and Protectiveness for the ones I love. 21st Birthday, and none of my dear friend’s remembered. (other than my 2 best friends who did).
None of the others even wished me.
Not even a simple text message.

I know this sounds tacky, and whiny. Given the fact that I am a 21 year old woman now. But after the amount of time and effort that I have invested in being there for them through thick and thin. It hurts. It shatters me. I have always been lonely, I agree. But I never felt so alone.
I dont have the self proclaimatory genes in me to go around reminding people to wish me. I wish I could be a little selfish for my happiness. I have always been a people pleaser. I go to far off lengths for pleasing people. Is it too much to ask?

People I have spent nights and days and countless hours encouraging, consoling, advising. People I sat with in class for the 3 years of college, people I have known for 6 years, People whose broken hearts needed tending, whose broken spirits needed mending. I dont want credit or limelight.
Nor do I ask for gifts and surprises.
But a simple text message doesn’t hurt right.

Reality Check!

Being an adult is not just about the number. It is about experience. It is about being in charge of one’s life. It is about steering one’s ship. About taking responsibility. I fought with one of my dearest friends because he didn’t remember. I dont ask for much. I dont ask for anything really. Mostly because I dont think I deserve anything worth while on this frikkin Earth.
And yet sometimes I wish for somethings. It is a paradox to not want limelight and yet crave attention.

Through the process of bickering I realised I wouldn’t be an adult in the true sense unless I take charge of my life.
So I went out with my only best friend. I enjoyed with my family. I did all I could have and took charge of my happiness.
It is tough, this fight for happiness, when every little incident seems like a black cloud of doom.

But today, I took charge. Insensitive friends, existential crises,depression,anxiety, all can wait another day.

I also feel glad that I have the 2 friends who restore my faith in humanity, who love me and are there for me. And for my family, I have the utmost gratitude. I am blessed to have them around.

Today, I also promised myself. Inspite of whatever shit people do to me. I will never, ever make anyone feel like shit. Especially, on the one day that is meant for them.

Cheers to more epiphanies, search for meaningless purposes,reality checks and Notdeadyet days!

– Fictionatrix


18 thoughts on “Birthdays and Reality Checks

  1. Hey, happy birthday. I wish you all the best in the next year of your life. Keep doing good – even to those who don’t deserve it, because really, who deserves anything? And yet God has given us all this! Another year of life is a wonderful blessing. Another year of growth and opportunity for something, for helping others, for directing them towards God. Never stop loving or projecting that love.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad too. God is kind to have me in his plans. All kinds of experiences are required to make the bigger picture we are all meant to be. The fact that you are offering to help whenever I am in trouble is enough for me to know that there are kind people out there. Thank you. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh I feel you! I am always trying to do my best for people, too. And yet, they don’t always understand how much I am trying for them. And they don’t always (well, actually they almost never) do those kind of things for me. And it’s so disappointing, I know, believe me…
    But I think that there is a good side of this. We help those people because we don’t want to see them suffering. Because we know how crappy it feels. We don’t want others to feel it. It shows unfading humanity. You just have a huge heart, my dear.:) Don’t forget that. The ones who will really appreciate you will come to your life one day. You just have to wait for the right ones. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you. And time takes time. The only way to fail is to abstain. So keep giving your love!
    I’m happy that you can press a button which turns off your bad thoughts and etc. I think only strong people can do that. I wish I could do that. It would be a lot easier. But maybe one day I will. I hope πŸ™‚
    Happy Birthday! I hope all of your wishes will eventually come true. All of them. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou so much for your kind words. I do try to keep up the positivity. Since we have been there, we know what it feels like and we dont want others to feel the same way. I am not good at pushing a button,but it was my birthday and for a change I wanted to be in charge. I am trying myself. I am sure you will be able to do so as well. We can do this together. We will hang in there. I am glad that you opened up. All the best. πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh well in that case you did well for your birthday, huh? However, it is something! And I couldn’t do it. I would probably sit at home alone watching romantic movies and crying to my pillow πŸ˜€ It sounds a little depressing:D Noo, I’m kidding, maybe I wouldn’t do that. I hope..
        Yeah, glad you did too! Opening up to some random people from all over the world is sometimes better than talking with friends. Ok we will do this together! If something goes on your mind you can always email me. I love to think about everythinnng. And discuss some random stuff about life. Ok now it’s sounds creepy, whatever.. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahaha, Well I would have never thought I would be able to put a brave face, untill it actually happened. I have recently moved to a new college, everything around me is changing, so I guess this incident of my friends not remmbering was like the last brick in the wall.

        Yes. sometimes all we need is someone to listen to. No matter what they do or where they come from.
        Sure, I’d love to. My email address is Drop me a msg and we can stay in touch!

        Liked by 1 person

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