So it happens to be my 21st birthday today.
Yayy existential crises!
When we are younger. we have the hunger to grow older. To have the unprecedented power to take decisions. Now that I am older, I crave to be a child again.
Birthdays for me have always been epiphanous moments in the fabric of my life. I remember I cried, howled rather on my 10th birthday for I had turned into the “Double digits” of age.
My first in the many existential crises to follow.
It is believed that every human life has a purpose. Every soul is born for a reason, with a destiny pre determined that the course of time makes it fulfill. I have like many of us tried to realise, discover, find and eventually hopefully fulfill my life’s purpose as well.
Birthdays, are days of celebration. To celeberate life. One more year gone. Survived through. People my age throw grand parties, go clubbing with their friends, “Party Hard” as is said in more than 50% of the wishes I received on my facebook wall today.
I was never a people’s person as such. I have always tried to stay as close and as far as possible and practical.
And yet, I have gone out of my way to do things for people. I do not display any qualities of my sunsign “Leo” other than my fierce Loyalty and Protectiveness for the ones I love. 21st Birthday, and none of my dear friend’s remembered. (other than my 2 best friends who did).
None of the others even wished me.
Not even a simple text message.
I know this sounds tacky, and whiny. Given the fact that I am a 21 year old woman now. But after the amount of time and effort that I have invested in being there for them through thick and thin. It hurts. It shatters me. I have always been lonely, I agree. But I never felt so alone.
I dont have the self proclaimatory genes in me to go around reminding people to wish me. I wish I could be a little selfish for my happiness. I have always been a people pleaser. I go to far off lengths for pleasing people. Is it too much to ask?
People I have spent nights and days and countless hours encouraging, consoling, advising. People I sat with in class for the 3 years of college, people I have known for 6 years, People whose broken hearts needed tending, whose broken spirits needed mending. I dont want credit or limelight.
Nor do I ask for gifts and surprises.
But a simple text message doesn’t hurt right.
Being an adult is not just about the number. It is about experience. It is about being in charge of one’s life. It is about steering one’s ship. About taking responsibility. I fought with one of my dearest friends because he didn’t remember. I dont ask for much. I dont ask for anything really. Mostly because I dont think I deserve anything worth while on this frikkin Earth.
And yet sometimes I wish for somethings. It is a paradox to not want limelight and yet crave attention.
Through the process of bickering I realised I wouldn’t be an adult in the true sense unless I take charge of my life.
So I went out with my only best friend. I enjoyed with my family. I did all I could have and took charge of my happiness.
It is tough, this fight for happiness, when every little incident seems like a black cloud of doom.
But today, I took charge. Insensitive friends, existential crises,depression,anxiety, all can wait another day.
I also feel glad that I have the 2 friends who restore my faith in humanity, who love me and are there for me. And for my family, I have the utmost gratitude. I am blessed to have them around.
Today, I also promised myself. Inspite of whatever shit people do to me. I will never, ever make anyone feel like shit. Especially, on the one day that is meant for them.
Cheers to more epiphanies, search for meaningless purposes,reality checks and Notdeadyet days!