Month: August 2015

Words are Ghosts

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Ispired by this insightful post from my dear friend’s blog-

Words are Ghosts

Words are Ghosts..
They disappear.
Somewhere in the breeze.
Some words are difficult.
Some come with ease.

Words are Ghosts.
They haunt and they taunt.
Often at nights and in days.
They remain etched within,
The ones who hear,
And the one who says.

Even when men are gone.
It is their words that stay.

Words are Ghosts.
For they leave no marks,
To be seen.
But they remain lingering forever.
Even if they are kind,
Often when they are mean.

Words are Ghosts.
They don’t need to be written
They don’t need to be said.
They can conquer, cause pain,
Even if they remain,
In one’s head.

So be careful,
For words are ghosts.
Not all words are written.
They may be forgotten.
But they won’t be forgiven.

Words are Ghosts.
They always follow,
They hang in the air
Creeping in from the subconscious.
They remind you;
They Stare.

For even when you are gone;
Even if you are gone,
Your words,
Are always there…

– Fictionatrix

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Life throws Curve Balls

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I dont understand sports. So using a cricketing metaphor is different. But so is my condition.

Those of you who have read my blog would know that, in the past few months I have been riding into the unknown. I spent hours and days studying. I gave almost all exams I could, because I wasn’t sure I would get into any.My depression makes me feel like a hollow log being tossed and turned in a raging river. Belief in myself is something hard for me to achieve.

Finally I did manage to get into the best of the best my nation could offer me. Its been a month since college has started. It is amazing here. Way beyond my expectations and a lot more.

Out of 6,000 people who gave the entrance examination, from across different fields, 90 were selected. I am fortunate to be one among them. Since the entry was so tough. So is the class environment. These are all super bright minds, from across the nation, here to make something of themselves.

While I keep contemplating the whole “Do I really deserve to be here…” My classmates see me as some dull bulb.

A few days back someone came to speak to me, across the hall,I panicked, took out my earphones and pretended that I was listening to songs! The look on the poor chap’s face!
God.
I avoid social interactions like a plague. And then I crave friendships.
The paradox, the dilemma is ifuriating! (Way to go future Teaholic Bibliophilic Dog lady!)

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I am taking baby steps. This place is surreal.
The competitiveness challenges me intellectually, and also puts me in a spot. The problem not being studies, I have always been good at that. But managing social situations where I have to prove myself.

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The one thing that I seem to have mastered is actually embarassing myself. All the frikkin time. It is sorcery you know. How one person can maintain consitent performance in one and only one aspect.

There are times for example,when I know the answer, and yet my voice disappears for a stroll somewher, not to return untill the end of the lecture!

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So in the past one month, I did quite often than I would want,manage to embarass myself. But it doesnt bother me as much.
I mean its part and parcel of what I am. I cannot really fight it.

Everything was going okay. I made a few friends, I attended all my lectures.
I made a schedule to study (Mid semester exams are coming up)
and make notes. Everything was on schedule.

And then BAM!

I got Chicken Pox!
Out of all diseases a 21 year old can get, I got Chicken Pox.
Which by the way is more severe in adults.
I got chucked out of my hostel due to the contagious nature of the disease and sent home.

At home I am locked up in a room, as my mother and brother have never had the disease.
The funny thing is, I am vaccinated against it!
So I fall in the mere 4-5% people who have the probability of getting a disease after being vaccinated against it.

Meals are left outside my door.
I get to barely hear my family but I cannot see them. I do get phonecalls now and then from concerned humans. It feels like Shawshank Redemption.
If only I could chisel my way out. And get loads of cash and a false Identity. Ha..Never mind.

The point of this post is. I had everything chalked out. The nerd in me was content with my progress. And despite a few silly episodes I was doing fairly well. But well isn’t always enough. So now I am not only in pain,(Chicken Pox is bloody uncomfortable)
I am also missing more than a fortnight of my classes, and the mid semester exams too!

I write this post as Prisoner X, locked up in my cell. (Atleast I have some WiFi) When I reach back, things won’t be well. And I ‘ll have to work my ass off to cover up. Also, I will have to plead the professors to let me take the exams at a later date. (The deadlines are written in stone my professor said, on the first day itself!) 

To a lot of people, this may seem a silly thing to fuss over. I spent the last 3 months studying really hard to get into this college. And now that it has become a reality, such obstacles worry me.
I am a bit of a planner, and list maker. They keep me sane, help in not making me too anxious.
But such unforseen circumstances were not accounted for!

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What’s the worst that could happen?
I’d get a horrible grade average as I would get zeroes for the exams I missed. And may have to sit for improvements with my juniors next year.(That is suicide! Fellow nerds would get the feeling which is difficult to shake off). But what had to happen has happened right?

I am hoping for the best. And being prepared for the worst.

Life is throwing curve balls.
But I am learning to Bat!
🙂

– Fictionatrix

PIC-Tales

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I have been writing since I knew how to hold a thought in my mind.

I have been taking images since I could comprehend the concept of what an image is.

For the past 20 years the two have enraptured my mind.

Every where I look, moments freeze into frames.
Every where I am, moments transform into verse.

The ability to freeze a moment in time, as an image or as a verse, is pure sorcery!
As humans we have the great ability to freeze time. And to relive it with such vivid detail whenever we feel the need to.

Little details like the draping of a shawl, the smoke rising from a chulha, the Petrichor after rains, the sloppy nose of a dog, or the wrinkles on grandma’s hand. every detail gets preserved to be viewed at leisure.

Because of my worrisome childhood, and self esteem issues, I have always lived with my head bowed down. Giving me the ample opportunity to focus on tiny details which people often tend to miss. The frames I take and the words I use are thus often ones which were hidden in plain sight for others to see, but they never cared to notice.

I always wanted to be a photographer. All my life I felt this was the one profession where I could truly be myself. But life had other plans. And my aim to become one has taken a back seat for now.

A lot people have been telling me that the pictures I take are beautiful. And that I should share them with the world. But my self esteem has held me back. I fear that when others see what I see they may disapprove of it. The same way as they have always disapproved of me. In the process of fixing my ultra cynical mind sets I have decided to put myself out there!

What is worse that could happen? I could just delete the page. I had the same views about this blog in the beginning, where for months all posts were drafts. But this has been the best thing that has happened to me in the past one year. And for that I am grateful to you my dear readers!

Here is the page- My Facebook Photography Page

 

Therefore, to push myself further, and get some audience,I have set up this facebook page- as my humble effort to combine the two worlds. For every picture has a story!

So does every photographer!

I would love it if you could stop by!
Go hit like and connect! 😀

PIC-TALES

Smile- Late Night Thoughts

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Smile for that is all what you can do. Smile for what has happened, both the good and the bad.

Smile for what is yet to come. Both the good and the bad.

Smile at the face of triumph. Or at the feet of defeat.

Smile and welcome life as it comes to you, whether as a burst of sunshine or as torrential rainfall.

Smile for every thing and anything. Smile for the joys and for the tears. Smile for the pains and the fears. Smile when you win and even when you lose.

Smile for life is worth smiling. And it will be so only when to take the first step and smile.

For there will be days and times when the last thing you can do is smile.
When it seems that the world is bringing you down.
Orq maybe a part of you is bringing yourself down.
The first thing you should do, can do, is smile.
Smile and move on.

For when you smile,
You light little embers of hope in your heart.
And if you ever get lost,
those little embers will always be enough to guide you home. . .

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– Fictionatrix

Farewell

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Hardest thing for the human heart,
It is said, in any time or day.
Are those numbered goodbyes.
Which it doesn’t get to say.

I think the hardest goodbyes.
Aren’t ones we dont get to tell.
But the few ones, we say.
Not wishing to bid farewell.

The ones which are caused.
By circumstance seldom by choice.
When we wish to scream the opposite.
But cannot fathom the voice.

I have loved people and lost people
Some left and some died too.
But the hardest farewell of them all.
Was the one I had to say to you. . .

– Fictionatrix

Fire

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For the heart is an organ of fire
And mine is aflame just for you.
You lit the spark of undying desire
I wish you feel the heat of it too

– Fictionatrix