I dont understand sports. So using a cricketing metaphor is different. But so is my condition.
Those of you who have read my blog would know that, in the past few months I have been riding into the unknown. I spent hours and days studying. I gave almost all exams I could, because I wasn’t sure I would get into any.My depression makes me feel like a hollow log being tossed and turned in a raging river. Belief in myself is something hard for me to achieve.
Finally I did manage to get into the best of the best my nation could offer me. Its been a month since college has started. It is amazing here. Way beyond my expectations and a lot more.
Out of 6,000 people who gave the entrance examination, from across different fields, 90 were selected. I am fortunate to be one among them. Since the entry was so tough. So is the class environment. These are all super bright minds, from across the nation, here to make something of themselves.
While I keep contemplating the whole “Do I really deserve to be here…” My classmates see me as some dull bulb.
A few days back someone came to speak to me, across the hall,I panicked, took out my earphones and pretended that I was listening to songs! The look on the poor chap’s face!
I avoid social interactions like a plague. And then I crave friendships.
The paradox, the dilemma is ifuriating! (Way to go future Teaholic Bibliophilic Dog lady!)
I am taking baby steps. This place is surreal.
The competitiveness challenges me intellectually, and also puts me in a spot. The problem not being studies, I have always been good at that. But managing social situations where I have to prove myself.
The one thing that I seem to have mastered is actually embarassing myself. All the frikkin time. It is sorcery you know. How one person can maintain consitent performance in one and only one aspect.
There are times for example,when I know the answer, and yet my voice disappears for a stroll somewher, not to return untill the end of the lecture!
So in the past one month, I did quite often than I would want,manage to embarass myself. But it doesnt bother me as much.
I mean its part and parcel of what I am. I cannot really fight it.
Everything was going okay. I made a few friends, I attended all my lectures.
I made a schedule to study (Mid semester exams are coming up)
and make notes. Everything was on schedule.
And then BAM!
I got Chicken Pox!
Out of all diseases a 21 year old can get, I got Chicken Pox.
Which by the way is more severe in adults.
I got chucked out of my hostel due to the contagious nature of the disease and sent home.
At home I am locked up in a room, as my mother and brother have never had the disease.
The funny thing is, I am vaccinated against it!
So I fall in the mere 4-5% people who have the probability of getting a disease after being vaccinated against it.
Meals are left outside my door.
I get to barely hear my family but I cannot see them. I do get phonecalls now and then from concerned humans. It feels like Shawshank Redemption.
If only I could chisel my way out. And get loads of cash and a false Identity. Ha..Never mind.
The point of this post is. I had everything chalked out. The nerd in me was content with my progress. And despite a few silly episodes I was doing fairly well. But well isn’t always enough. So now I am not only in pain,(Chicken Pox is bloody uncomfortable)
I am also missing more than a fortnight of my classes, and the mid semester exams too!
I write this post as Prisoner X, locked up in my cell. (Atleast I have some WiFi) When I reach back, things won’t be well. And I ‘ll have to work my ass off to cover up. Also, I will have to plead the professors to let me take the exams at a later date. (The deadlines are written in stone my professor said, on the first day itself!)
To a lot of people, this may seem a silly thing to fuss over. I spent the last 3 months studying really hard to get into this college. And now that it has become a reality, such obstacles worry me.
I am a bit of a planner, and list maker. They keep me sane, help in not making me too anxious.
But such unforseen circumstances were not accounted for!
What’s the worst that could happen?
I’d get a horrible grade average as I would get zeroes for the exams I missed. And may have to sit for improvements with my juniors next year.(That is suicide! Fellow nerds would get the feeling which is difficult to shake off). But what had to happen has happened right?
I am hoping for the best. And being prepared for the worst.
Life is throwing curve balls.
But I am learning to Bat!