In dark corridors
Somewhere towards the Light
Life could yield oh so more
If one has the courage to Fight
People who read my blog regularly would know that I have been keeping busy the past few months.
My graduation came to an end. I had entrance exams to give for Masters.
Since I had graduated with an Honours in Political Science, my master’s choices were limited to all courses related to political science.
I studied, like any student of sound mind would do. But unlike a normal student. I had no trust in myself. So I kept questioning my abilities. I had no faith in myself. Let alone on the examinations and evaluation system of this country which is often biased and rigged. Coupled with the massive reservation, there wasn’t much to hope for.
I stayed up for days with no sleep. Black coffee flowed in my veins. All other out station students had gone home, making me one of the only 6 people left in the hostel. The other 5 were too involved in their own preparation to notice me. And I preferred it this way. I reached out to teacher’s in my college, who all, over estimating my abilities, kept ignoring my pleas for help.
All for one person. My favourite teacher from college. She never gave up on me. She was 7 months pregnant. Tired and fatigued. Yet she came to college on my behest to help me sort out my study material. She also lent me her M.A. notes, extra articles, journals and e-books. Not once did she undermine my potential, nor my cry for help.
Her belief in me, is what fuelled my hardwork. In total I had written more than 35 examinations, for courses across the country. I was too exhausted.
But then came the period of results. I couldn’t sleep, yet I couldn’t leave my bed. My mind was racing constantly, thinking of the worst possible scenarios while my body seemed paralysed. Existential crises followed one another. I had turned into a zombie.
My family got worried and tried to cheer me up. But I was imprisoned within myself. Anxiety and Panic were my constant companions in the past two months. Never leaving my sight.
To my utter surprise, I got through almost every exam that I took. I was astonished. It seemed as if the world conspired. It was surreal.
Finally, I got through the one course that I really wanted. But never believed I could get. . .
Had it not been for my teacher and my parent’s belief in me, none of this would have happened. I had given up on myself long back. It was also the fear of not coming upto their expectations that dulled my spirits and simultaneously made me work harder. Had it not been for them, I didnt have the courage to ask for what I received.
A fortnight has passed since I have joined my new college. And the feeling hasn’t sunk in. More than that, I continue to feel that I don’t deserve to be here. Despite the fact that I worked as hard as everyone else in my class, and thus have the same right to be there.
Years of self suppression and depression have coloured my vision so much that it seems beyond repair. Yet I am trying to see the light. Trying to reach for it.
I continue to think that I am not worthy enough. That I haven’t achieved enough. My existence seems futile.
I know it will be a long journey.
I am glad atleast I somewhat started.
That and the fact that I did manage to make my loved ones proud, is sufficient for now.