On caring too much and needing human company- Late night thoughts

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I am sitting up in my bed, its 2:49 a:m and my dear lover insomnia doesnt want to leave my side.
I am not even sure if it is insomnia or the fact that I dred every new day and the entire struggle. So instead I am hoping this one night would continue forever. But the clock’s ticking baby.

Things have been really different the past few weeks. Everyone in class seems to have a bestie kind of friend and then a group to be in and have fun. Here I am. Nobody.
Nobody bothers, nobody cares.

I have tried so hard to get out there and be with people and make friends. But it doesnt seem to work. I guess I am too uncool to be friends with.
A 21 year old needs to have a grip at life right. Thats what society and the media tells us.

I did manage to get into the best university, now what. It will be 3 months of college this week and no one barely even knows me.

In normal circumstances this may seem perfect, as I never want anyone to notice me. I avoid social situations like a plague. I am the no talk only read boring nerdy classmate.
But lately I have been craving human company, and my lack of socialising is worrying my parents a little. They assumed that after getting into the dream university, I would be on a cloud.

However, the cloud of depression doesn’t leave my head, my anxieties anchor me down, and I am utterly clueless. Can I start over at being a person, and go and learn lessons somewhere on how to interact? On how to be Normal?

Its not that I am a hibernating polar bear. Out of the 150 classmates, I all their names, I can write a passage on atleast a 50-60 of them, where they are from, what course they did in graduation, sibblings, partners, birthdays,future plans, career aims. I make it a point to know stuff about people. But no one really knows me. The efforts I tried putting seem useless really. I am not a fact checker/record keeeper. Why should I bother when no one else does?

I enjoy my company. I have been so used to being alone that I am used to it now. I am my best friend and my best enemy. The conversations in my head are sufficient to keep going like a sane person.
It feels weird when someone tries speaking to me on their accord. It hardly happens and even when it does I screw up. I look around and see happy people with friends. Maybe a part of me thinks that if I had friends I would be happy. I dont think that would be the case if it were to happen. But it seems good to think about.

But I guess thats just me. The wallflower. I am always there, quietly. No one really realises. Unless they specifically need my help or something. Caring comes naturally to me. Perhaps I shouldn’t care as much.

Atleast 30,40 years from now at some re union I’d be able to recognise them all. While they’d be confused with the wrinkles and changed hairstyles. 😛

What do you think?
Should I make more efforts and keep trying. Are there any tips you’d want to give me regarding this situation. I feel utterly hopeless. I am too embarassed to ask for help from real people, I hardly know any here who would give me sound advice (without judging me for being a crazy loner)
The reader, you may be my salvation.
Let me know.
-Regards not-sleepy-nut-case! 🙂

– Fictionatrix

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33 thoughts on “On caring too much and needing human company- Late night thoughts

  1. Hi Fictionatrix. I’m 20. soon to be 21. I’m a loner as well. My parents are also worried about me not having friends. I’ve tried. Just as you but no luck. So I guess I’m not the best to give advice about this subject or I may be the best lol. But I think it’s better to forget the past because it’s gone and we honestly can’t do anything to change that. So I’m focusing on the future. And starting from now. A new me but still me. A me with more courage and more honesty to people about how I feel. I turn red when I talk to people and it’s embarrassing and some people laugh but I’m working hard to speak up and tell people that I don’t have friends and I’m not very good at making them. Again, they laugh but they give me advice. Hopefully this helps. Good luck! Work hard!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Ariel, Thankyou so much for opening up to me. I have been feeling so alone the past few weeks. I totally understand your position, we are on the same boat. I am too conscious of myself to actually admit it to people, But I can learn from your experience. I will try to muster courage! Maybe I will be successful some day! Baby steps! Take Care and God bless! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Loneliness also has something valuable to teach at certain point of our lives though , but don’t stop to explore the type of people you would like to be friends with, most importantly don’t doubt your skills of making new friends B-) rather challenge yourself, “So what?? if no one is there for me right now, i’m sure ppl who haven’t now would regret later & within this very week itself i’l make 1 brand new friend” {stretch your hand first} !!! doubt your depression not your natural social abilities. Break free from you comfort zone, you’ll notice some magic happening.

    XOXO
    Monali

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Monali, Thankyou so much for your kind and inspiring words. Yes, I agree, I doubt myself too much. I did stretch my hand a couple of times the past 3 months but I am too scared. Its like I want new human relationships, so stretch my hand but by the time another party warms up I tend to flinch. I need to work harder it seems.
      I need to make the magic!
      Thanks a tonn! Take care. Hopefully I will make some progress. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Most welcome 🙂 btw one practical life tip (key to joy) : Out there at the Delhi chapter of ‘The Art of Living’ every week organises “Happiness Program” :D..its absolutely amazinggggg, a must-attend-5 day seminar .!!! You can dm me on twitter (@yellow_hatz ) for other details.
        XOXO
        Monali

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, I would love to attend it some time, I have done art of living courses before.
        I wont be able to dm you regarding details now. Maybe in a few days ( I hardly check twitter mid sem exams are here) Thanks a tonn for the tip! 😀

        Like

  3. I had exactly the same thing when I first went to university (college). I ended up with some really good friends (although it took a while), and almost all of them were not in any of my classes or even at my university. Look outside for people you can relate to, join a club or group or something. There will be people who get you. I bet there are other people in your class feeling exactly the same way, just hiding it as well as you. *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Persephone! Yes I did the entire friend hunt in graduation, all of my good friends were indeed not from my class. But those friendships didnt seem to quite last. I try to stay in touch but the other parties dont seem interested. I feel a bit too old school comparitively, but I believe that friends need to check on each other once in a while. I have started losing my faith in friendships. All of a sudden I have been isolated from all angles. And I feel tired of going through the whole exercise again.
      This place I am at is quite new, I havent been able to figure out the clubs etc yet. Everybody seems to be goal oriented, focused and busy. Lets see if I can do something. 🙂

      Like

  4. Hey , dont give up. Be confident, I guess its just starting trouble . Since you know things about your classmates try conversing with a person who shares a similar interest or even start a conversation about the class you had. Develope it further . Certain people are shy to initiate a conversation . Hope you find a good friend soon. You deserve it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Assortmentbox (it sounds a bit weird but I dont know your name:p)
      Well I tried all the usual things, I just feel its not worth the effort. Its the whole once bitten twice shy syndrome. I hope I can get somewhere with this.
      Thankyou for your kind words. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey this is like reading 2 years back me… Like literally reading myself…😭😭I clearly know how it feels… My mom gave me hell lot of suggestions and I know what we think when someone gives us suggestions on (How to make friends???) .
    And I never thought I would give suggestion on making friends…. The only best solution is being OPTIMISTIC at any cost, I literally experienced it… And don’t give a damn on what people think.. When we expect someone to give respect to us, first we need to respect ourselves. Finally making friends only happens when two have common interests… Trust me that’s so true… And I learnt that people won’t accept our friendship unless, they think we are any useful to them. Whereas some true friends come into our lives not expecting anything from us.. That is so rare in my view and I only have a few like that…
    Hope my experiences with being optimistic and enhancing our skills will help you making friends…😊😊
    My best wishes… 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou Abhijit it was very kind of you to open up. I agree with all that you said. I dont respect or love myself And I have a terrible time at being optimistic. Hence such posts happen. But I am trying. Lets hope I end up somewhere sound. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And hey blogging friends are more genuine, won’t expect anything but a follow 😜😜.. Do post articles like this when you feel down, we bloggers will be your side… 💪💪

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I wish j Can give you some advice but I’m so much the same. But I recently learned others are good judges of who you are, if you hide they know that’s what you want. It may seem stupid and cliche but just talk to the person next to you make random comments because for sure in that flood of 150 people there is someone like you. Plus I only know the girl who writes these posts and i think she is pretty awesome, so even if you feel the world rejects you, at least you have us who care 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thankyou for your kind words. I did try really hard, but reciprocity isnt a thing here it seems. I will try to keep trying maybe I will make some progress.
      That is very sweet of you to say. My posts are usually weird whiny cries of help and it does mean the world to me that someone out there thinks they are decent enough. You read my mind, I do think the world rejects me. I know I reject myself. It is unhealthy and I am trying to fix that. Baby steps. You earn brownie points for your comment. Thankyou. :’) *Hugs*

      Liked by 2 people

  7. You are absolutely not a crazy loner according to me…. Bcuz u have a best friend and that’s you…. Many ppl can’t even find who they are and you can enjoy being alone… That’s actually a boon… Though I’ll suggest you to make some friends but don’t change yourself…. We are all masterpieces of god right???

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, Thankyou Sowmya for your kind words. Yes relatively it does seem better, I have spent such a long time by myself that I have nailed down the self company appreciation. Its making other human friends that is what I haven’t figured out. Let see if I can. Oh yes, We are! I’d masterpieces in making. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  8. sometimes “having friends” doesn’t mean you’re no longer “lonely”. i got friends, they’re nice, but sometimes i still feel lonely like, i’m afraid of things too. i have a miserable past that really affects my life until now. i’m still searching my source of happiness. people said the source of happiness is in you. no matter if you got friends or not, as long as you’re happy just like that, then keep going with that. good luck to you, and keep being happy. thats all matter. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So relatable! We are the same trust me xD
    But honestly, I think being comfortable with one’s own company is the most difficult task- people like us who’ve got it deserve a kudos! From what I have experienced though, I think it is us who will need to go on and make an effort to talk to people. Expecting things out of people doesn’t go anywhere

    Liked by 1 person

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