I am sitting up in my bed, its 2:49 a:m and my dear lover insomnia doesnt want to leave my side.
I am not even sure if it is insomnia or the fact that I dred every new day and the entire struggle. So instead I am hoping this one night would continue forever. But the clock’s ticking baby.
Things have been really different the past few weeks. Everyone in class seems to have a bestie kind of friend and then a group to be in and have fun. Here I am. Nobody.
Nobody bothers, nobody cares.
I have tried so hard to get out there and be with people and make friends. But it doesnt seem to work. I guess I am too uncool to be friends with.
A 21 year old needs to have a grip at life right. Thats what society and the media tells us.
I did manage to get into the best university, now what. It will be 3 months of college this week and no one barely even knows me.
In normal circumstances this may seem perfect, as I never want anyone to notice me. I avoid social situations like a plague. I am the no talk only read boring nerdy classmate.
But lately I have been craving human company, and my lack of socialising is worrying my parents a little. They assumed that after getting into the dream university, I would be on a cloud.
However, the cloud of depression doesn’t leave my head, my anxieties anchor me down, and I am utterly clueless. Can I start over at being a person, and go and learn lessons somewhere on how to interact? On how to be Normal?
Its not that I am a hibernating polar bear. Out of the 150 classmates, I all their names, I can write a passage on atleast a 50-60 of them, where they are from, what course they did in graduation, sibblings, partners, birthdays,future plans, career aims. I make it a point to know stuff about people. But no one really knows me. The efforts I tried putting seem useless really. I am not a fact checker/record keeeper. Why should I bother when no one else does?
I enjoy my company. I have been so used to being alone that I am used to it now. I am my best friend and my best enemy. The conversations in my head are sufficient to keep going like a sane person.
It feels weird when someone tries speaking to me on their accord. It hardly happens and even when it does I screw up. I look around and see happy people with friends. Maybe a part of me thinks that if I had friends I would be happy. I dont think that would be the case if it were to happen. But it seems good to think about.
But I guess thats just me. The wallflower. I am always there, quietly. No one really realises. Unless they specifically need my help or something. Caring comes naturally to me. Perhaps I shouldn’t care as much.
Atleast 30,40 years from now at some re union I’d be able to recognise them all. While they’d be confused with the wrinkles and changed hairstyles. 😛
What do you think?
Should I make more efforts and keep trying. Are there any tips you’d want to give me regarding this situation. I feel utterly hopeless. I am too embarassed to ask for help from real people, I hardly know any here who would give me sound advice (without judging me for being a crazy loner)
The reader, you may be my salvation.
Let me know.
-Regards not-sleepy-nut-case! 🙂