Ghost of a memory

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Those of you who read my blog regularly would remember that I lost my dearest friend to Cancer last year. The past one year has been a roller coaster that only goes down.

I had thought Time would heal the pain, but this wound, this burden seems to only tighten my chest and clog my windpipe.

There is a battle between my rational mind which continues to suppress all that I remember…and my emotional heart that tries to hold on to whatever that is left.

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Leading to what I’d like to call Ghosts of memories. Because my mind keeps pushing and my heart keeps latching onto.
These memories are therefore like spirits..an essence of the time gone by.
They float in and out of my consciousness, and take me by surprise. They infiltrate my daily life and haunt me at night.

They are unclear and fuzzy. Blurred at the edges.
They never recede, never subside.
Like moisture on the coast after a high tide.
They come from no where and disappear without trace.
Somewhere into the nothingness of space.

I am in a state of Limbo, I belong to neither side. This tugg of war leaves me physically breathless.
Is there a way to chase these ghosts away?
Is there a way to bring them back to life?

– Fictionatrix

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26 thoughts on “Ghost of a memory

  1. As a Christian I take all to the Lord in prayer. But then there is the practical element that must be considered.
    Talking to someone about your problems/memories can help you tidy them up a bit. Have you tried that? Exchanging emails with anyone about this? (I know it may be difficult with family)

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    1. I am not sure who to speak to regarding this. My family is far and my friends are busy. Writing down what I feel actually helps, which is why I jot things down here. It has gotten better than before, but it still bothers me. I pray and I meditate but those things take time and I have been all over the place and utterly busy these past few weeks. Hopefully, things will get better. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This piece moved me so much. I recently lost someone dear to me and I feel this way all the time. The helplessness gets to you, doesn’t it? I do not know how to fix this either. I just hope everything will get better with time.

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, it gets to you, and there seems to be nothing we can do about it.
      The only way I see to get through it, is to somehow try to accept what has happened. It has taken me more than a year to process it. I hope things get better for you. Take care. :’)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I believe, if we think about our thoughts and learn to start labeling them. There is a neglect for a process of progress. After all we are not the same person were were last week. We have aged, and moved along with our constantly changing life.
        So the same could be said about out what we think or say about the feelings or thoughts we dont want to change.

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      2. I myself dont have to say Im stressed, happy, or depressed. Without progressing our feelings or thoughts. Begins to weigh on us or be something bigger than it is. Unless someone of course is diagnosed and convinced they are without a solution of what is and should be.

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      3. In my case, it is diagnosed and prescribed etc. I just cannot afford the medication, plus I think it was too much. I would rather try to cope on my own, than take heavy medication. Because then it becomes a necessity for survival and I didnt want that level of dependence.

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      4. I have had it for a really long time. So now I know it is not normal bouts of sadness associated to an event.
        It keeps lingering, it has its ups and downs but it never leaves. Ever. Not once.

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      5. I agree. False labelling is harmful. I know there is are labels associated with my condition, but I dont use the conventional “curing” menthods.
        Because medication cannot cure, it makes them manageable, represses it.
        And I don’t think thats an ideal solution so I try to deal with it at my own pace.

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  3. I uderstand from experience that I have hurt and have felt something I never felt or even heard anyone speak of. The death of my 24 year old brother last may 6th. Is capable of overwhelming me to tears. I have found words and or labels that have helped me to understand that I can. Face his death and try to help me better communicate what death actual does, means, and teaches not only myself but those that have not progressed or fully dealt with their feelings. Naturally I sometimes dont want to face facts or subjects I dont know anything about. But when i do know something about the power my thoughts have. I try to not be labeled and tell myself This is wjat this is and its just that way.

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    1. That is very brave of you.
      I lost my best friend to cancer, so I some what can relate.
      Life is a crazy conundrum of events.
      We need to be able to take it as it is. Staying away from the labels is actually ideal.
      Because they come with their own inherent biases and assumptions.
      You be who you wish to be, and feel what you ought to feel. And then deal with it the best way you can.
      More.power to you.
      It is a difficult journey, but it is worth it. and I am sure you will reach that place in life where you can be at peace. 🙂

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