Recently, a very dear friend of mine scolded me for whining for attention when everything seems all sorted in my life. I couldn’t make them understand what it feels like. But to vent my emotions I wrote this piece.
You ask me, What depression feels like?
Do you know that feeling.
When you are at the top of a roller coaster, and your heart is racing fast. And you get that sinking feeling as you descend.
Depression is being strapped on a roller coaster without my consent.
Seeping into the depths of nothingness.
Like a rock being thrown from a cliff but the land’s no where to be seen.
There is a blackhole in my stomach which is swallowing me, bit by bit, organ by organ.
Till one day when I shall finally collapse into my self.
I feel that I will implode and internally combust, turning into the darkness I desperately want to avoid.
You ask me what depression feels like?
It feels like being on a reality show where everyone is judging you for your mere existence.
It feels like being in a boxing ring against Rocky, blood streaming from my nose. It feels like sleepless nights and panic attacks, nausea and migrain.
Its like a dementor follows me day and night, giving me kisses robbing me.of my happiness and my soul, bit by bit.
You say I hurt myself to gain attention.
Please know that the pain on the inside is so strong that pain from the outside has no meaning.
That there is so much to feel that I feel nothing at all.
Your suffering, and your pain,
is my “normal“… so much so that I am now numb to it all.
That I hurt myself just so that I can get some sense of feeling.
For when a loved one dies I do not cry cannot cry, but simply hope;
That I was in their place,
No one asks to be in this space.
Depression is years of guilt for doing nothing wrong but feeling otherwise.
It is being convicted for fabricated crimes being jailed within my own incompetence.
Depression is being lost within myself.
With no where to go.
I am going through hell,
and I try not to show.
So when you order me to get over it and tell me it isn’t real.
Depression is the silence of friends and love I never get to feel.