Month: December 2015

As the clock ticks by…

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As the clock ticks by, minutes till the new year begins. I cannot help but get teary eyed.

This year, 2015 was the last year my precious Bruni baby was with me.
I can feel time slip away through my fingers and I dont know what to do. While everyone around me is partying the year away, I cannot seem to part with it.

After 12:00, the new year that this begins would be a year without my sweetheart. And that realisation is pinching me. Every year henceforth he would be a memory, in this readily passing year, he was a alive.

I wish I could reverse the time back, I wish I didnt have to begin another year of my life, a new chapter without those sloppy kisses and wagging tail.

The love his eyes had for me is something beyond words. It is unexpressable. The kind of feeling which is soul stirring and life changing.

I know I need to accept the reality and learn to let go. But in my heart the 12 year old who received the world’s best gift cannot accept that her companion is no more. If only time could pause, so that I could hold onto those paws, atleast one last time. 

Wishing all of you a lovely and Happy New Year. May God bless you, and may you achieve all that you aspire for.

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A soul passes over…

Those of you who read my blog would know that my dear dog was feeling very unwell.
Well, Bruno, passed away yesterday evening.
9 years, 1 month and 15 days.

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When I got the news, (I wasnt at home) I didnt know how to handle it. My mum (who was with me) broke down instantly. But I was somewhere else. It all seemed like some nightmare, a part of me kept hoping it would pass, I would wake up to a wet nose hoovering over my face.

But, alas, this happened. And I wish it hadn’t.
He came to us, a little pup, had barely opened his eyes. I cannot fathom how and when 9 years have gone by.
But my baby was suffering, he was in pain, and I am glad his suffering has come to an end.

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His last day with us was actually the best so far. We had lunch in the garden, he was basking in the sun. He was peaceful and calm. It made us hopefull that he’d pull through. He died in his sleep, at peace.

I would have no one to help me, lend a paw, a floppy ear when I am sad, no one to bury their furry face in my sweaters, no one to play with, to dance with, to share treats and secrets with. The mutton I got for you is lying in the fridge.  There were so many things I wanted to do, if only I knew.

I am thankfull, my Christmas miracle was that despite not staying here, I got to be a part of the last leg of his journey. And for that I am ever so gratefull.
Wherever you are Bruni, I hope you are happy. Take care of Baba, Dadi and Frisky, they will love you and tell you stories. And whenever you feel like, do pay a visit,  Didi shall wait for you.

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❤ 

How can I decide? – Late night thoughts

As I mentioned a few posts back, my dear dog is seriously unwell. . .
He is suffering from Cancer, has a tumour in his belly. The doctors have as of today evening given up.
He is too old to operate upon, he has lost his appetite and has lost a lot of weight.
As a result a hale and hearty dog now seems very weak, his ribs are visible. his breathing ragged.

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In just a month’s time everything has changed.
I dont live with my parents, so I get to meet Bruno, once in 4-6 months. The last time I was home, he was his usual cheerful self. Now, he can barely move.

The doctors say there isn’t much to be done, let nature take its course.
But in the process wouldnt his condition just continue to deteriorate?

I have been considering euthanising him. His suffering is more important than our love for him and our attachment. Isn’t one day of pain less than a month more of suffering?
I wish it didnt have to come to this, but wouldnt it ease him?

It isn’t my decision to make, and my family is perhaps more hopefull than I am. But, when I look at him, he doesnt wag his tail anymore, hardly barks, doesnt eat. He cannot control his bladder, and his nose bleeds when he sneezes.
Is this the kind of life we want for him? Is this kind of existence worth living?

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It is a tough decision, but I feel it needs to be made. I fear how I would live without him. My companion is on the brink of leaving me.
My sweetheart doesnt deserve so much trouble. I want him to go with the same love and dignity with which he was brought home.

What do you think? Have you ever made such a choice. Any feedback will be beneficial. Do keep him in your prayers, I would be utterly grateful.

You are not alone -Tips for dealing with Depression.

Depression is a highly isolating condition. It is usually coupled with or enduces a fear of people. The little voice in your mind will tell you that people are mean and judgemental. It will make you feel ashamed of yourself.
(I found this beautiful comic strip on the internet, if you know the source, do tell me so I can credit them)

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Most of us therefore, prefer to hide it, disguise it. Rather than letting people know.

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Because letting your feelings show is a sign of weakness. Many of us have perfected our camouflage.

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Yet, the black dog is always there. It never really leaves, but keeps lurking.

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Repressing the feelings and triggers just increases the chances of a full on explosion. Which can happen in situations where you would rather not feel that way.

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Having a break down, is normal. All of us have such points in life where it seems that our world is crashing down upon us.

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By isolating ourselves, we deprive ourselves of the companionship and love of those who care.

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Talking about your feelings is tough. However it is better than letting it boil inside. Support groups and therapy groups are a great way to connect with other individuals who are having similar problems. One can learn from their experience and can lend a helping hand to those in need.

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Depression makes you think the worse about yourself. However, it is not true. You need to be patient and considerate. Removing the years of self hate will take time. You need to re define yourself in newer ways, kinder ways, positive ways.

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Take one day at a time. Breathe, relax. Life is beautiful, it may seem tough now. But things do get better.
You are not alone.

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Companionship

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This post is dedicated to the love of my life. Never do I spend a day without thinking of him. Even at this moment as I type, a furry little face is burried in my lap.

My little dog has taken ill. The family hid the details from me because I had my exams. Now that I am home, the secret has been revealed. The poor chap has got a cancerous tumour in his belly, which the doctors wouldn’t operate as he is 9 years old.
In a few days he starts chemo therapy.
Cancer has taken too many lives close to me.
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I have always held the fear that he would pass away in my absence as I don’t live with my family any more. Now that he is ill, the fear has taken a grip at my heart. I get very sentimental when I look at that face.

Our love goes a long long way.
My brother and I had always wanted a dog. However due to my father’s profession which required us moving around, my parents were reluctant. However, in November 2006 a miracle happened. On 8th November, my mother was walking back home from school when she noticed two pups sitting on the steps of a temple. Their cuteness led to a change in her heart, and she brought this bundle of joy home. Them being at the steps of a temple, was like a divine signal.

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Bruno pup the next day ❤

The rest they say is history. The last 9 years have been wonderful. This little sweetheart has seen 4 transfers, has travelled the country and has been a part of amazing memories.

I have always felt quite lonely. But Bruno has always lent a caring paw and a floppy ear to listen to my troubles. The deep pools of his eyes give me all the strength, love and validation that I need. My furry little friend has fought valiantly with the black dog that traps me. He has been my confidante, my partner in crime. I cannot imagine a life without him.

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Bruno wearing a sweater for winters ❤

Seeing him ill, makes me feel really bad. I have raised him as a child, and no one likes seeing their child hurting. I hope he recovers soon. Because I am not sure if I can live without my furry little friend. ❤

Our One Year Anniversary!

So its been a year since I have been religiously trying to write on this blog.

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Lets go a little back-
The blog was created in March of 2014 but I didn’t have the guts to write.
So most of the posts were local drafts waiting to be published. And as such they waited.

Then in August my dear friend passed away of Cancer. My boyfriend cheated on me, my friends had no time to spare,
my family was oblivious and my depression kicked in strongly than ever.

I had never felt so lonely and depressed than I felt then.

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It was under such pressures that in November last year, on a whim I published all those forgotten drafts.
And the rest as they say is History!

The past one year has been a kind of an epiphany.
I was under the impression that I was just worthless, the black sheep, good for nothing etc.
The voices in my head made it a point to remind me and reinforce these ideas.

However, writing this blog changed my perspective.
It has made me realise that there are so many people out there who are struggling. That I am not alone and that I am not the only one.

Depression has the tendency of isolating the sufferer,
blogs have a tendency to connect the writer.

I have found inspiration in the life stories of others, and thus hope in myself. I discovered other beating hearts and spirits contrained by similar barbed wires,
I found some who needed help, and I got help from many more.

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The WordPress Community has been very kind to me, and I am exceedingly lucky to be a part of this community.
It has not only helped me articulate my inner most feelings in a better way, it has also made me realise how we are fighting similar battles.
We are all just walking each other home.

The community has been like a family to me. The love and support I have received here has been overwhelming. :’)
(Y.A.N.A for all the DW fans! 😛 )

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my lovely readers.
It is you who has made my journey worthwhile.

To those people who have been intrinsic to this process.
( you know who you are)

and to all the others who have rendered their constant support.

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Thankyou from the bottom of my heart!

Every reader who has glanced upon my words is a blessing I have received.
You are all always in my prayers. 

To many more years to come!
(For you know, the cat lady’s existentialism shall never really end, nor would that black dog leave me. We have a long long way to go, this was just the beginning! 😛 )

Also, for all my readers and for the countless others on WordPress,
please keep writing, because you may never know who needs to read what you have written and the kind of impact you may leave.

P.s. Since December is here, it is officially time for the Christmas decorations and hogging on Pumpkin Spice Lattes! *Throws Snowflakes!

What is your favourite Christmas Drink/Food? (Let me know, so that I can try them sometime)

Do take care of yourselves.
God Bless!