Month: April 2016

Fly Away – Little Poem #31

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When the going gets tough.
And I cannot differentiate
between night and day.
I long for a little hope,
some happiness.
But it all just flies away.
-fictionatrix

Lately I have been feeling low again. This despair keeps clouding my cosciousness. I can almost see my life, all hopes disappear in front of me.
Do you feel the same? Any experiences, tips you’d like to share. Would love to hear from you.
Take care. Hugs.

Both – Little Poem # 30

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I lead double lives.
Within and without.

There are words that I scream.
And words that I don’t say aloud.

Who am I, you ask.

Both!
I answer without a doubt.

For I am the caged and I am the free spirited cloud.

Little Secret #7 Evaporate

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Have you ever noticed how on a warm sunny afternoon, if you spill some watee on the floor what happens.
The cool water touches the warm floor and slowly evaporates.
Disappears.
Into nothingness.
Not a stain not a mark.

You don’t bother mopping it up because you know its not worth the effort.

I feel like a puddle of water, alas unable to evaporate.

Time and again something happens.
It can be the smallest most trivial incident. But my mind implodes.
It makes me sick, nauseous, overwhelmed.

Like a dam breaking free because of the force of the reservoir. I shatter and relase all that was pent up.
And I fall.
I fall so deep into such darkness that there is no hope no option of escape.

And as I lie there. I wish I could just evaporate.
Disappear.
Forever.

To never come back to this state, this life this darkness.

Nothing.

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I took this picture recently when I had a breakdown. I lay there staring at the ceiling for quite a while. Do you feel this way?
Have you ever imagined an escape and how?
Let me know!

Little Secret #6 – Anxiety

Anxiety is the uninvited guest that depression brings to the party, which you are coerced to attend.

I have always been an artist. However the past two years I have done nothing. The monster in my head keeps me from enjoying the things I love the most.
It was a cycle of hate I couldn’t escape.

The past few weeks have been quite an anxious time for me. I was crippled by insomnia and couldnt function like a proper human. I was always on the edge, waiting to explode.
I tried a multitude of things to help me cope, but all failed.

Then finally, out of curiosity, I took out an old sketch book that had been lying unused.

Sketching after such a long time made me even more anxious. I kept telling myself that it will look horrible and that I am doing nothing but just wasting more time. I tore about 5 sheets after mere incoherent scribbling.

However, once I started, I couldnt stop. I guess, the first step is the hardest.

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The past few nights I have been sketching everytime before I go to sleep. Now it hasn’t actually benefitted my sleep schedule, however it does give me a little sense of satisfaction.

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As you can see, I started small. Since I had so much trouble at starting.
With a simple feather.
I have a certain unexplainable fascination with feathers.(More on that later)
Then I progressed slowly to making things that may take more energy and effort.

It has been a challenge to revive my cognitive interests. Reviving my muscle memory. I hope I can stick to this plan.

Because my art supplies have been eating dust. Its a shame how at one time I wanted to make a career in fine arts. And today mere doodling is a challenge.

But I will keep swimming.
And try to attain a sense of balance.
Like the yin and yang I just drew.

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What do you do to sleep at night?
Have any of your dear interests and hobbies been affected by mental illnesses?
Any tips for curing my insomnia?
All ideas are welcome.