Category: Late night thoughts

Inexplicable – Little Poem #40

That, 

Inexplicable sense of feeling…

When you feel so much, 

That you feel nothing at all.

When you want to stand, 

But you’d rather fall. 

When you keep it all inside,

When you’d rather let go of it all. 

When you feel so much, 

That you feel nothing at all. 

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How can I decide? – Late night thoughts

As I mentioned a few posts back, my dear dog is seriously unwell. . .
He is suffering from Cancer, has a tumour in his belly. The doctors have as of today evening given up.
He is too old to operate upon, he has lost his appetite and has lost a lot of weight.
As a result a hale and hearty dog now seems very weak, his ribs are visible. his breathing ragged.

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In just a month’s time everything has changed.
I dont live with my parents, so I get to meet Bruno, once in 4-6 months. The last time I was home, he was his usual cheerful self. Now, he can barely move.

The doctors say there isn’t much to be done, let nature take its course.
But in the process wouldnt his condition just continue to deteriorate?

I have been considering euthanising him. His suffering is more important than our love for him and our attachment. Isn’t one day of pain less than a month more of suffering?
I wish it didnt have to come to this, but wouldnt it ease him?

It isn’t my decision to make, and my family is perhaps more hopefull than I am. But, when I look at him, he doesnt wag his tail anymore, hardly barks, doesnt eat. He cannot control his bladder, and his nose bleeds when he sneezes.
Is this the kind of life we want for him? Is this kind of existence worth living?

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It is a tough decision, but I feel it needs to be made. I fear how I would live without him. My companion is on the brink of leaving me.
My sweetheart doesnt deserve so much trouble. I want him to go with the same love and dignity with which he was brought home.

What do you think? Have you ever made such a choice. Any feedback will be beneficial. Do keep him in your prayers, I would be utterly grateful.

A world of love <3

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A couple photo bombing my frame at the right time! ❤

I imagine a world of love. Yes, it may seem utopian but it is not unachievable.
A world of love. Where everyone lives in peace. When there is no need to check borders, for everyone is welcome. Where we all have what we need. Where no person is made to feel less human. Where dreams are not caged in fear.
Not just a city of love, but a world of love. For every city on this planet is not only made up of buildings, and roads and monuments, but of heartbeats, dreams, aspirations, hope and of people.

Hearing about the blasts in Paris, broke my heart. So did Beirut, Lebanon, Baghdad and Turkey.

Our world today is run on western consumerism. So while Paris received a lot of love,(facebook filters, monumental dedications, media coverage) other regions had to struggle for media representation.

There seems to be a hierarchy of deaths-some lives matter more.
(Read white lives matter more)

This is wrong.
Every life matters! Equally.
Every heartbeat, lost counts.
We live in a world today where people have no boundaries and terrorism has no religion. Death doesnt discriminate on skin colour, on nationality, then why should love?

My heart goes out to the friends and families of these people.
And to the 4 million Syrian refugees who were running from the same terror which has found them in Europe.
May their hosts treat them with kindness.

The future seems bleak, and fearfull.
But the solidarity that the world showed in the wake of these blasts was somewhat reassuring. I hope we can all learn from such experiences.

A few days back, I was walking down the street, in a sad mood when I was alone on the footover bridge, lit by the golden streetlights. As I was taking the picture, a couple unintentionally photobombed the image, singing old love songs merrily. The fact that I got to witness the moment and even capture it, is a wonderful blessing for me.

In the light of the recent terror across the world, it made me thank God for his grace. ❤

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We often take things for granted.
Use this experience, call a long lost friend, call your parents. Let your loved ones know that you care.
Who knows it might be too late.

Special love to all my readers, please take care of yourselves. Each and everyone of you who reads my thoughts is a blessing to me. You have no idea how much it means to me that people across the world, not only take the time to read, but also relate to what I think at some level.  God bless. :’)

– Fictionatrix

On caring too much and needing human company- Late night thoughts

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I am sitting up in my bed, its 2:49 a:m and my dear lover insomnia doesnt want to leave my side.
I am not even sure if it is insomnia or the fact that I dred every new day and the entire struggle. So instead I am hoping this one night would continue forever. But the clock’s ticking baby.

Things have been really different the past few weeks. Everyone in class seems to have a bestie kind of friend and then a group to be in and have fun. Here I am. Nobody.
Nobody bothers, nobody cares.

I have tried so hard to get out there and be with people and make friends. But it doesnt seem to work. I guess I am too uncool to be friends with.
A 21 year old needs to have a grip at life right. Thats what society and the media tells us.

I did manage to get into the best university, now what. It will be 3 months of college this week and no one barely even knows me.

In normal circumstances this may seem perfect, as I never want anyone to notice me. I avoid social situations like a plague. I am the no talk only read boring nerdy classmate.
But lately I have been craving human company, and my lack of socialising is worrying my parents a little. They assumed that after getting into the dream university, I would be on a cloud.

However, the cloud of depression doesn’t leave my head, my anxieties anchor me down, and I am utterly clueless. Can I start over at being a person, and go and learn lessons somewhere on how to interact? On how to be Normal?

Its not that I am a hibernating polar bear. Out of the 150 classmates, I all their names, I can write a passage on atleast a 50-60 of them, where they are from, what course they did in graduation, sibblings, partners, birthdays,future plans, career aims. I make it a point to know stuff about people. But no one really knows me. The efforts I tried putting seem useless really. I am not a fact checker/record keeeper. Why should I bother when no one else does?

I enjoy my company. I have been so used to being alone that I am used to it now. I am my best friend and my best enemy. The conversations in my head are sufficient to keep going like a sane person.
It feels weird when someone tries speaking to me on their accord. It hardly happens and even when it does I screw up. I look around and see happy people with friends. Maybe a part of me thinks that if I had friends I would be happy. I dont think that would be the case if it were to happen. But it seems good to think about.

But I guess thats just me. The wallflower. I am always there, quietly. No one really realises. Unless they specifically need my help or something. Caring comes naturally to me. Perhaps I shouldn’t care as much.

Atleast 30,40 years from now at some re union I’d be able to recognise them all. While they’d be confused with the wrinkles and changed hairstyles. 😛

What do you think?
Should I make more efforts and keep trying. Are there any tips you’d want to give me regarding this situation. I feel utterly hopeless. I am too embarassed to ask for help from real people, I hardly know any here who would give me sound advice (without judging me for being a crazy loner)
The reader, you may be my salvation.
Let me know.
-Regards not-sleepy-nut-case! 🙂

– Fictionatrix

Smile- Late Night Thoughts

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Smile for that is all what you can do. Smile for what has happened, both the good and the bad.

Smile for what is yet to come. Both the good and the bad.

Smile at the face of triumph. Or at the feet of defeat.

Smile and welcome life as it comes to you, whether as a burst of sunshine or as torrential rainfall.

Smile for every thing and anything. Smile for the joys and for the tears. Smile for the pains and the fears. Smile when you win and even when you lose.

Smile for life is worth smiling. And it will be so only when to take the first step and smile.

For there will be days and times when the last thing you can do is smile.
When it seems that the world is bringing you down.
Orq maybe a part of you is bringing yourself down.
The first thing you should do, can do, is smile.
Smile and move on.

For when you smile,
You light little embers of hope in your heart.
And if you ever get lost,
those little embers will always be enough to guide you home. . .

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– Fictionatrix

Farewell

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Hardest thing for the human heart,
It is said, in any time or day.
Are those numbered goodbyes.
Which it doesn’t get to say.

I think the hardest goodbyes.
Aren’t ones we dont get to tell.
But the few ones, we say.
Not wishing to bid farewell.

The ones which are caused.
By circumstance seldom by choice.
When we wish to scream the opposite.
But cannot fathom the voice.

I have loved people and lost people
Some left and some died too.
But the hardest farewell of them all.
Was the one I had to say to you. . .

– Fictionatrix