Category: Little secret

Little Secret #7 Evaporate

image

Have you ever noticed how on a warm sunny afternoon, if you spill some watee on the floor what happens.
The cool water touches the warm floor and slowly evaporates.
Disappears.
Into nothingness.
Not a stain not a mark.

You don’t bother mopping it up because you know its not worth the effort.

I feel like a puddle of water, alas unable to evaporate.

Time and again something happens.
It can be the smallest most trivial incident. But my mind implodes.
It makes me sick, nauseous, overwhelmed.

Like a dam breaking free because of the force of the reservoir. I shatter and relase all that was pent up.
And I fall.
I fall so deep into such darkness that there is no hope no option of escape.

And as I lie there. I wish I could just evaporate.
Disappear.
Forever.

To never come back to this state, this life this darkness.

Nothing.

image

I took this picture recently when I had a breakdown. I lay there staring at the ceiling for quite a while. Do you feel this way?
Have you ever imagined an escape and how?
Let me know!

Advertisements

Little Secret #5 Seeking Inspiration

I am quite a cynical person to be honest.
I don’t trust easily.

Skepticism has always coloured my world view.

However time and again I have come to realise that deep within me, I am  hopeful.
I try to, involunatarily, seek inspiration from silly mundane, routine activities.

For instance, everyday on my way to class I cross this bench which says

Turtles can fly.”

image

There is no context to this.

Who is MS?

Was the person who wrote this high/drunk?

If we take the sentence to be true,
then what type of turtles?
Can all turtles fly?

What about tortoises?

Do turtles sprout wings?

Or are they trained air benders?

Where do they fly to?

And if they can really fly, why haven’t we ever encountered one.

The possibilities are endless.

But everyday, when I cross this bench it reminds how self belief and determination are key to growth.
If a turtle can believe in itself and be determined to fly, I am pretty sure he will find a way.
And so can I.

Turtles are quite relateable.
They are closed to the outside world in a shell. They may think their shell is strong enough but something do find a way of pinching through. I imagine they also get picked on by the rest of the fauna.
They are burdened by their own defence mechanism.
Yet however they try to slowly reach where they belong.
They are wise beyond their age and very perceptive.

image

You may think it silly how a random silly grafitti can inspire such thoughts.
But in this world where I believe that everyone and everything is bent upon bringing me down this is quite uplifting.

None of my classmates had actually noticed it until I brought it to their attention, and they didn’t give it a single thought.

However, I don’t really understand why, it has impacted me profoundly.
I smile everytime I cross this bench and thank ‘MS’ for scribbling.

So yes, in my cynical, cold hearted, rational mind… I would like to believe that turtles can fly.

Is there any such silly, mundane thing that has inspired you? Or affected you in a profound way. I would love to hear more such instances. (I can’t be the only crazy one here! 😛 )

Little Secret # 4 The city and its people

image

When I think about the passing day in a city. I like to think of the two as bound in a unique relationship.

As the day comes to an end, you can feel the city slowing down.
Those hustling bustling roads become calmer.
Light slithers away from lanes and alleys.
Lighting up lost corners as it goes.

The wind howls through, bidding adieu to weary travellers, as it gathers up the rustling leaves, and memories of a day gone by; all enroute home.
The city glows dim and yawns. Stretches and relaxes.

As the day comes to an end the city is the home for some and reminds of home to others.
The people retreat and so does the city, into a deep slumber.
To meet again in the morning and come back to life.
For one is incomplete without the other.

Little Secret #3 Dilemma

image

I am often stuck in the dilemma faced by idealists and materialists.

Am I my mind, controlling my body.
Or, am I my body experiencing my mind.

I know scientifically it is a mixture of both. But its good food for thought.

The same I feel about places and people.


Do places make people or do people make places
?

Recently I had the chance to go back to my old college, where I did my graduaion from.
Its almost been a year but as soon as I reached the premises, I felt the same. As if I had to run to room 10 for my lecture on global politics.

After spending everyday in a place for 3 years, you internalise it and memorise it.
My mind travels those pathways and corridors in my dreams.
I know those alleys better than I know myself.

Somewhere, I’d like to believe that the feeling is mutual.

That the place is a breathing, living being.
That it knows me too.
My quirks and habits, the songs I humm.
That it feels incomplete without me.

But that isn’t true, is it.
When I went back I wanted to hug those walls, but I know they wouldnt hug back. It is like unrequited love.

I had the opportunity of painting murals on campus. While I was studying there, those murals seemed my own. I felt a sense of pride. I would pass them everyday and smile.

A year later, they are nothing but just a frame in the long celuloid film of this institute’s life.

Do the people who pass them today, pause and wonder who made them?
Do they smile?

Those murals are for now just a speck in its long history.
For so many hearts beat within its walls, so many voices have echoed through, and will continue to do so.
Was mine heard? Will mine be rememered?

image
The murals we painted.
image
Another one ...I feel as lost in myself as she is.

You may think I am crazy, for spending my time thinking about such silly things. But thats just how my mind works.
I guess its my loneliness that I am personifying an institution. I dont know. 😛
Just the kind of thoughts that keep swirling in my mind.

Sometimes I wish the cacophony to sweep me under.
Other times I want tear through it.

Have you felt the same about a place? Hope you have a lovely weekend.
Take care.

S…I…N..K..I..N…G Little Secret #2

image

You know that feeling.

When you are at the top of a roller coaster, and your heart is racing fast. And you get that sinking feeling as you descend.

I feel like that. All the time. I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

I am sinking. And I know not where.

I am strapped on a roller coaster without my consent.
Seeping into the depths of nothingness.

Like a rock being thrown from a cliff but the land’s no where to be seen. 
I no longer want to be in the darkness where I have already so often been.

There is a blackhole in my stomach which is swallowing me, bit by bit, organ by organ.
Till one day when I shall finally collapse into my self.
I will implode and internally combust, turning into the darkness I desperately want to avoid.

image

The buttons on the sterio of my life are stuck perpetually on Loop.

Travelling from light to dark and dark to light.

Sinking somewhere in between twilight to midnight. 

– Fictionatrix

Chasing Headlights -Little secrets #1

(This blog was aimed as a means for me to make sense of myself, my life and the world around me. The following is part of a series where I aim to share little secrets about myself.)

I have mentioned before how people see me as the typical nerdy neighbourhood cat lady (without the cats and the glasses).

I think I have weird habbits-which may be the reason behind their image of me. For example I like chasing head lights.

In the evenings, twlight, dusk, night, as soon as the cars need to switch on their little luminiscent eyes.

image

I would be sat in a coffee shop, or at the corner of the street, and watch. Just watch. How the headlights follow one another to their destinations. I sit their and wonder. Make stories in my mind. Where the car came from and where it will go. How are the people in the car? What do they do? What do they feel?

I often even think of cars as living. How the headlights become the eyes. So the Audi has mysterious cat eyes, and the Scorpio has big stern eyes. Each car takes on a new personality if you think of them this way.

I sit and make tales. Just little harmless tales.
I am an escapist. I need an addiction. Something to keep me hooked. My mind can never be idle.
It needs a constant play thing to fiddle with. My mind never seems to stop.
I guess I like chasing headlights because my mind runs at the speed of light!

One would think that I have a lot of free time to meander away. Thats not the case. But my curiosity is a quenchless thirst. I guess its because that I feel too much, that I need a continous stream of stimuli.

I cannot quite analyse the reasons for this. But it looks so beautiful, the head lights after headlights. On a dimly lit highway, at high speeds, it seems as if little light pixies are chasing one another.

image

Maybe my fascination for them comes from the need of guidance. Headlights facilitate the car, help it navigate in the darkness and reach where it is supposed to be. If I had a pair of headlights, even I may be able to navigate my way through the darkness which seems to surround me.

I don’t know the reasons for my affections. But it is just something I do.
Chasing headlights lets me find newer worlds. 7 billion people 7 billion worlds. The possibilities are endless. How many have you visited?

Is there something peculiar that you do? That no one knows.

– Fictionatrix