Category: Mental Illness

Fly away – Little Poem # 44 


I long for days which make time run slow. 

I want to stay, but I have to go. 

There are some days when I feel blue. 

I just close my eyes and fly away with you. 

In order to motivate myself to do some sketching, I have become a part of #inktober. Now I haven’t been able to be regular, but it feels nice to have done something. The past 4 years I haven’t made any thing substantial, my depression has taken away my will to create. These are my humble efforts trying to get back on the saddle. 

Have a happy October! 

Is there something that you liked doing, which has been snatched away from you? Or do you have some tips on how to cope and move on. Let me know. 🙂 

Ma

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You told me I was beautiful.
Ma you made me strong.
Why do I now think,
That somewhere you were wrong.

You made me humble.
Ma you made me kind.
Why do I not remember,
When there are storms in my mind.

You made me gentle.
Ma you made me appreciate life.
I wish I had remembered,
Before I found the knife.
-Fictionatrix

You are not alone -Tips for dealing with Depression.

Depression is a highly isolating condition. It is usually coupled with or enduces a fear of people. The little voice in your mind will tell you that people are mean and judgemental. It will make you feel ashamed of yourself.
(I found this beautiful comic strip on the internet, if you know the source, do tell me so I can credit them)

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Most of us therefore, prefer to hide it, disguise it. Rather than letting people know.

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Because letting your feelings show is a sign of weakness. Many of us have perfected our camouflage.

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Yet, the black dog is always there. It never really leaves, but keeps lurking.

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Repressing the feelings and triggers just increases the chances of a full on explosion. Which can happen in situations where you would rather not feel that way.

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Having a break down, is normal. All of us have such points in life where it seems that our world is crashing down upon us.

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By isolating ourselves, we deprive ourselves of the companionship and love of those who care.

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Talking about your feelings is tough. However it is better than letting it boil inside. Support groups and therapy groups are a great way to connect with other individuals who are having similar problems. One can learn from their experience and can lend a helping hand to those in need.

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Depression makes you think the worse about yourself. However, it is not true. You need to be patient and considerate. Removing the years of self hate will take time. You need to re define yourself in newer ways, kinder ways, positive ways.

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Take one day at a time. Breathe, relax. Life is beautiful, it may seem tough now. But things do get better.
You are not alone.

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What Depression Feels like? -Spoken Word

Recently, a very dear friend of mine scolded me for whining for attention when everything seems all sorted in my life. I couldn’t make them understand what it feels like. But to vent my emotions I wrote this piece.

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You ask me, What depression feels like?

Do you know that feeling.
When you are at the top of a roller coaster, and your heart is racing fast. And you get that sinking feeling as you descend.
Depression is being strapped on a roller coaster without my consent
Seeping into the depths of nothingness.

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Like a rock being thrown from a cliff but the land’s no where to be seen. 
There is a blackhole in my stomach which is swallowing me, bit by bit, organ by organ. 
Till one day when I shall finally collapse into my self. 
I feel that I will implode and internally combust, turning into the darkness I desperately want to avoid

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You ask me what depression feels like?

It feels like being on a reality show where everyone is judging you for your mere existence.

It feels like being in a boxing ring against Rocky, blood streaming from my nose. It feels like sleepless nights and panic attacks, nausea and migrain. 

Its like a dementor follows me day and night, giving me kisses robbing me.of my happiness and my soul, bit by bit.

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You say I hurt myself to gain attention
Please know that the pain on the inside is so strong that pain from the outside has no meaning.
That there is so much to feel that I feel nothing at all. 

Your suffering, and your pain,
is my “normal“… so much so that I am now numb to it all.
That I hurt myself just so that I can get some sense of feeling.

For when a loved one dies I do not cry cannot cry, but simply hope;
That I was in their place,
No one asks to be in this space.

Depression is years of guilt for doing nothing wrong but feeling otherwise.
It is being convicted for fabricated crimes being jailed within my own incompetence. 

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Depression is being lost within myself.
With no where to go.
I am going through hell,
and I try not to show.

So when you order me to get over it and tell me it isn’t real.
Depression is the silence of friends and love I never get to feel.

– Fictionatrix

Ghost of a memory

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Those of you who read my blog regularly would remember that I lost my dearest friend to Cancer last year. The past one year has been a roller coaster that only goes down.

I had thought Time would heal the pain, but this wound, this burden seems to only tighten my chest and clog my windpipe.

There is a battle between my rational mind which continues to suppress all that I remember…and my emotional heart that tries to hold on to whatever that is left.

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Leading to what I’d like to call Ghosts of memories. Because my mind keeps pushing and my heart keeps latching onto.
These memories are therefore like spirits..an essence of the time gone by.
They float in and out of my consciousness, and take me by surprise. They infiltrate my daily life and haunt me at night.

They are unclear and fuzzy. Blurred at the edges.
They never recede, never subside.
Like moisture on the coast after a high tide.
They come from no where and disappear without trace.
Somewhere into the nothingness of space.

I am in a state of Limbo, I belong to neither side. This tugg of war leaves me physically breathless.
Is there a way to chase these ghosts away?
Is there a way to bring them back to life?

– Fictionatrix

Caged

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There is a chill in the wind.
Winter is here.
But I dont feel it.
Caged within fear.

My knees are crumbling.
Incessant rattling in my head.
I am supposed to take the world,
But I’d rather be dead.

This daily struggle.
Is making me hollow.
Its too much to comprehend.
Too much to swallow.

In my 6*4 room
These demons get amplified.
They cover the walls of my room from
the walls of my heart.
Till no seperation can be realised.

Who says the past has passed.
When it continues to hunt me down.
The past will always last.
Even after I am 6 feet underground.

– Fictionatrix