Category: Tips

Closure in relationships.

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One of the most crucial things as a relationship ends is closure.
It could be a romantic relationship, a friendship or a casual fling.
Closure is essential for your sanity. Or else the questions of “What If” and “If only” keep dancing in your head.

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It is utmost crucial when you are at the receiving end of it.

When you end a relationship, your mind is clear so as to why things aren’t working anymore.

However, when you get ditched, when you are at the receiving end, you may or may not have a true grasp of whats up.

Which then causes a lot of confusion.

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Recently, infact last night I faced this dilemma.
I was under the illusion that everything was fine. I got close to a person and opened up and in three days they got a new date and waltzed out of my life. Poof!
Just like that.

Now a heads up would have been appreciated greatly.

Instead I kept feeling like a moron.

Blamed myself for the failure.

My lack of self confidence further kicked in telling me how no man would ever stay because its not the brains they want, but the body that I don’t have.

The person had made it clear they weren’t looking for dating.
So I assumed they weren’t looking.

But alas as luck would have it.
They did find someone. Which is good. Happy for them.

But deep down I felt I wasn’t worthy enough.

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And I vented out, lashed out had a nervous break down and scared the shit out of that guy.
He now believes that all women are manic and suicidal.

I feel so ashamed.
He did deserve some of it. You can’t just go on a date then come back to tell me how fun it was. Have the balls to inform in advance, dont make people feel ashamed of themselves.

The point of this post being,
as good and necessary closure may be. You may not always get it.

Things may have been great from your side. And meant nothing to them.

You may prioritise them, but they may have other active options.

And last but not the least, do not and I repeat, do not get into a casual fling if you know you cannot handle it.

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So there is no need to feel ashamed.
Yes I fucked up!
Shouldnt have opened up too soon and trusted someone that easily.
But it is okay!

Life moves on…train keeps chugging.
Take a deep breath, suck it up, and let go of all the morons who make you feel any less worthy.
You are special, you are unique and you will find someone who appreciates that about you.

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5 things I learnt in 2015- Letting Go

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Letting go is an essential aspect of being human.
It is a crucial element in the dynamics of life – which is always in flux.
Always changing.

The past year has been very challenging for me. It has been challenging because I have grown a lot more in this one year than I have in the two decades of my existence. Battling depression, getting into university, making adult decisions, and learning to stand up for my choices.
But the most crucial of them all, was learning to Let Go!

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1. Letting Go- Of FEAR of JUDGEMENT

In life we all always fear one thing.
And that is the fear of Judgement.
It is crucial for us to realise that at the end of the day, the one who matters the most is – You.

For those who mind, don’t matter.
And those who matter, won’t mind.”

Thus, let go of yourself from time to time. Learn to enjoy yourself. Do what you would have done if no one would have known. And do it despite people knowing. Don’t let the Inhibitions hold you down.

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2. Letting Go – Of PRE-CONCEIVED    NOTIONS

The past year has made me question a lot of things I had set in mind.
Having rigidly set pre conceived notions is not suitable.
Be it towards new people, newer experiences and newer ideas.

The essence of living a good life is to be open to “NEW”.

I had pre- conceived notions, not just about others, but also myself.
As soon as you let go of such notions, you make space, you open doors for self reflection and self discovery.

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3. Letting Go – Of EGO
The one thing that stands in between an individual and meaningful relationships is Ego.
Most of us don’t even realise how our ego ruins our chances.

Sometimes, it is better to make compromises than fight where both parties loose.
Thus, it is essential to let go of our ego complex.

4. Letting Go – of GRUDGES
The worst thing a person can do to themselves is to hold on to grudges.
We all hurt, we all feel pain and we all fear rejection. But holding onto things that have hurt us only hurts us further.

The best thing thus is to learn to let go of such grudges. Yes, it is difficult, but it isn’t impossible to turn over a new page.

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5. Letting Go – Of PEOPLE
The worst thing that one can do to oneself is holding onto harmful people. You may not even realise how certain people are damaging you. We often tend to hold onto people because of comfort, emotional attachment.

I had to end a 4 year long relationship. It was difficult, it was sad, but I had to. Because, at the end of the day, the relationship was ruining both of us.

At the end of the day, relationships are meant to add something more to both your lives.
If, they seem burdensome and tiring, it might be better to let go.

Every year, I try to make myself better. Because the only competition that there is – Is the one that you have with yourself.
What have you learnt in this past one year? Let me know. 🙂

This Valentines, Love yourself.

So valentines is here! Yet again *sighs.
For most of us, the single people this is a nightmare!

We wish to remain burried in our houses, under our blanket forts than associate with society.
And since this year it happens to fall on a sunday, work is no excuse.

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We are The Loners
We will not let anyone enjoy, like they should.
Any expression remotely implying love would bring immense hatred in us.
We are the ones who roll our eyes at kisses, and throw soda cans at couples and disrupt proposals.
(Slight  exaggeration but you know what I am getting at.)

And not generalising, but still most of the time, the loners are the ones who have lost love or were crushed by love or are waiting for love but haven’g got any.

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But, its time to change things around a bit.
The whole concept of Valentines Day to me is a large commercial cnstruct made to bring revenue to Multi nationals that produce those heart shape chocates, jewellry or teddy bears.
The act of expressing love doesn’t need a specific day. I know there is a historical significance.
But love isn’t restricted to the conventional Couple love.

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Love is everywhere, in all relationships. But most of all, it needs to be within you and for yourself.

Psst, I’ll let you in on a secret- I actually had someone ask me out for valentines day but instead I refused, because I couldnt handle the pressure.

I kept thinking why me. Maybe he was awfully lonely and thus I was a just convenience.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to remind you, that you are special in your own way.

That we all need love, but self love is most important. All our relationships get altered the day we begin to appreciate ourself.

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So this valentines, do something for yourself.

Despite having high fever I attended food festivals across town, attended an Urdu poetry fest and bought myself a handmade leather bound journal.

And honestly, a lighter wallet and heavier belly does no harm. *Feels content*

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Do something, anything that makes yoy happy. That makes you joyous.
Don’t bother with what other people are thinking.
Most people would pity you, or try fixing you up.
You need to make decisions which make you feel good about yourself.

I love food. It makes me feel good. It doesnt reject me, understands my feelings, and is always there.
Food is my valentine, and I honestly had great fun this weekend. *Barfs

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Just kidding! All jokes aside.
You can try something different.
Maybe hang out with friends, go to a convention or stay at home and watch re runs of your favourite show. Not because you are a victim of this commercial enterprise.

All of us can be complete in ourselves. and if you don’t feel it right now. Make efforts in that direction.
Afterall, New year resolution making can extend till June right. 😛 

Last but not the least. Whether you have or don’t have a valentine. I love you my dear readers. Sending you lots of love, wishes and warm hugs. Take care. ❤

You are not alone -Tips for dealing with Depression.

Depression is a highly isolating condition. It is usually coupled with or enduces a fear of people. The little voice in your mind will tell you that people are mean and judgemental. It will make you feel ashamed of yourself.
(I found this beautiful comic strip on the internet, if you know the source, do tell me so I can credit them)

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Most of us therefore, prefer to hide it, disguise it. Rather than letting people know.

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Because letting your feelings show is a sign of weakness. Many of us have perfected our camouflage.

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Yet, the black dog is always there. It never really leaves, but keeps lurking.

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Repressing the feelings and triggers just increases the chances of a full on explosion. Which can happen in situations where you would rather not feel that way.

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Having a break down, is normal. All of us have such points in life where it seems that our world is crashing down upon us.

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By isolating ourselves, we deprive ourselves of the companionship and love of those who care.

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Talking about your feelings is tough. However it is better than letting it boil inside. Support groups and therapy groups are a great way to connect with other individuals who are having similar problems. One can learn from their experience and can lend a helping hand to those in need.

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Depression makes you think the worse about yourself. However, it is not true. You need to be patient and considerate. Removing the years of self hate will take time. You need to re define yourself in newer ways, kinder ways, positive ways.

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Take one day at a time. Breathe, relax. Life is beautiful, it may seem tough now. But things do get better.
You are not alone.

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Loving Yourself- On society,self perception and self acceptance

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Self love doesn’t come easily.
How am I expected to love a body which society has made me hate?

For the past two decades, I have been mocked for the way I look. I am over weight. My body does not conform to the “conventional” standards of “beauty”. 
For society and culture decide what is beautiful, what is acceptable, and what is a deviation.

I am a deviation. I am ” abnormal”, an abomination, a monster. For I am fat. The dissent was so powerful that I mocked myself the way society mocked me.

I believed I was the hideous creature they said I was. I believed that a view of my thunder thighs could blind people, so I wore longer shirts.
I believed that my jiggly arms would cause disturbances so I covered them, never raised my hands in public. Scarred them, cut them, tried to dispose the adipose.
I believed that my flabby stomach was an eye sore, so I starved myself.

I believed that I could never be beautiful, so I ran from everything remotely feminine. For feminity is associated with beauty, grace and charm and I seemed to have none. I believed that nothing could be done, so I gave up trying.

On reading Foucault, one comes across how Power “disciplines bodies” to be a certain way. Society has that kind of power, it constrains us into boxes. And if you don’t fit in a box, you are given hell. Be it the box of the gender binary, of heterosexuality and of feminine beauty.
Society expects individuals to be extraordinary, but if they don’t conform with the ordinary, it shuns them.

Our world is beautiful and it has diversity. So there are bodies of all sorts, of all shapes and sizes, tall and short, fat and thin. But culture and society prefer just certain types. If you are over, there is fat-shamming if you are under, there is thin shamming.
(I am not promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. There is a difference in being thin and being healthy. People with bigger bodies are also healthy despite their excess weight. )

And after years of abuse nothing pinches. I sat down with my bullies and taunted myself. I made fat jokes and people laughed with me at me.
I am the abuser and the abused.
The scarer and the scared.
The internalisation of conventions is so strong that one does not realise the damage they have done to themselves.

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So how does one love one’self?
To love yourself, you have to accept yourself. That becomes difficult when society doesn’t accept you.
Self acceptance is a long, ardous and painful process. It takes a lot of time, patience and determination. One has to mend the self inflicted scars. To break down the walls that surround them. To recast the categories and classifications with which you associate yourself because others put you in a box. Labelled Fat, Depressed, Stupid, Timid, Nerd, etc.

Either throw away the labels that identify you,
or accept them with such passion and rigour that they do not seem condescending and derogatory.

Make that slur your badge of honour.
Yes I am fat, hence there is more of me to love. I am so good, that God made me in abundance.
So what that I have depression? The black dog that follows me, makes me more empathetic. I can relate to people and be a rock in their sorrows. (Just a few affirmative examples of turning things around.)

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Your flaws are ”flaws” only till you perceive them through the lens coloured by societal conventions. Everyone is flawed in one way or the other. You need to stop focussing on just your flaws, the way we all have been doing, and look at the brighter side of things. You need to identify yourself differently and not based on the categories which are given.

It is a difficult process indeed. And would take time. For you cannot change overnight- the mindset which has been forged, iron cast, bit by bit for decades.
But there is no harm in trying. Be willing to take the risk, for nobody but yourself.

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Miracles happen for those who believe in their existence and for those who can make them happen. Don’t let society,others, your spouse, your family, decide categories and concepts.
They are abstract, relative and maleable. You need to take the reigns of your life in your hands. You decide what beautiful means to you. The day you can see yourself as beautiful, you have won the battle with yourself.

I have after much effort embarked on the path of self acceptance and self love. I have not been entirely successful, I admit that I think of myself in the lowest terms but there are some days when I think I can atleast like myself a liitle.
What do you think? Any tips regarding the same? Let me know your thoughts, and do share your experiences.

– Fictionatrix

15 Tips for Writing & Blogging

A few of my dear readers and fellow bloggers have often asked me for advice regarding writing and how to in general go about posting things. I had written a few points in response to a comment recently, so I thought I’d share it.
Incase you have some more tips, do comment below. I am an amateur myself.  The aim is for all of us to benefit from each other’s experiences. 🙂

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Happy Blogging!

1.Write write write write. Dont think about what is right or wrong.We are our own critics. Let your emotions and creativity flow. You can always edit later.

2. If you have writer’s bloc-You can use the daily prompts as an incentive if you want to be inspired to write and cannot find inspiration or food for thought.  Even the Blogging University is a great way of getting advice and a headstart.

3. In your posts-Use multiple media- You can use images, music or even videos, it makes the post stand out and look more visually attractive.

4. Catchy, inriguing titles bring more readers.

Don’t use grand, big words unless you know what they mean. The words you choose should compliment your thought process.

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5. Try to keep the flow consistent, and dont write very long pieces, unless necessary.
A craftly written long piece would engage readers, otherwise some get intimidated by the length to read and bored too.
Also, you can divide your work and post a short series.
This keeps the attention span and also creates a following of readers who will come back to read more.

6.Grammatical errors need to be worked on. If you tend to make mistakes you can type your piece on Word,
make required corrections and then Copy+Paste.
(This point is not very crucial, especially since a lot of writers don’t have English as their first language.
However as a writer I feel one should aspire to learn to use the language in the best possible way.)

Also, being a mean Grammar Nazi is not fair on fellow bloggers.

7. You can take part in challenges posted by other writers- this will bring out your creativity and help you socialise as well, perhaps make new friends.

8. Tag your posts appropriatly, so that readers can find it.
You can also categorise your posts, makes it easier for people to look through your past work.

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9. Basically be honest-Write from your heart and let your imagination loose. You will be amazed with what all you are capable of.
Don’t be sceptical of what people may think.
Also be careful.
Don’t share too many personal details (eg address,full name, Personal photographs,contact details etc).
You never know who may be reading.
It is better to be safe than sorry.

10. Read other people’s works in the genres you want to improve in.

And be liberal in complimenting something you liked.
We are all striving here, a few kind words go a long way. 🙂

11. Make your writing interactive and appealing. The reader should be able to connect with and relate to what you are trying to say.
A bit of humour is also a good ingredient.

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12. You can write a short paragraph introducing your concept, or what drove you to write it.
The more personal and human the post feels the more it is relateable.

13.If you want more readers/followers Then go socialise.
Find fellow bloggers who share your interests, and genuinely be keen on making contacts.
It is fairly visible if one is merely networking for the the numbers or the experience.

14. The visual look of your blog is also a factor.
There are wonderful themes which one can choose from.
You can customise them to your needs and preferences.

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15. Have fun! The aim of blogging is to foremost enjoy the process of writing and expressing ourselves and then being able to share it with the world.

(all images courtesy Google)

Keep writing, Keep blogging! 🙂

– Fictionatrix